Sasha, Malia Negotiate Allowance Increase By Taking White House Staff Hostage

Analysts noted other close parallels between the First Daughters’ approach and the ongoing attitude of Iran to Obama.

Washington, January 5 – Sasha and Malia Obama, the daughters of the outgoing US president, followed Iran’s lead in dealing with their father by holding Americans hostage and making demands, all of which the president granted.

The Obama girls successfully concluded negotiations with the president earlier this week after securing a 200% increase in their weekly allowance, using the leverage of four White House staff members held at knifepoint. Once the workers were released Tuesday morning, Secretary of State John Kerry thanked Sasha and Malia for taking such good care of their guests. Malia explicitly acknowledged the influence of Iran’s behavior in the girls’ decision to use hostage-taking as their strategy.

“Dad can be firm, but we’ve figured out how he works, so this was basically a cinch,” she explained. “Sasha and I hatched the plan a few weeks ago when we realized Dad always shrinks from confrontation with forces that present a clear and present danger, such as Iran and Russia. We knew going in that he would give us everything we asked for if we held out long enough and demonstrated our seriousness.”

Analysts noted other close parallels between the First Daughters’ approach and the ongoing attitude of Iran to Obama. “In both cases the president actually wants to give as much as possible to the offending party,” observed Jeffrey Goldberg, “but the optics of the situation don’t allow for direct granting of everything the other party wants. In the case of Sasha and Malia, Obama obviously wants to give his little girls whatever they desire, but he looks like a bad parent who spoils his kids if he just provides everything automatically. And in the case of Iran, he wants to cede Middle East hegemony to them at whatever cost, even the weakening and possible destruction of major allies in the region, but it has to look like the whole thing is the result of a considered policy with mutual benefits – all while Iran does what it wants anyway and suffers no adverse consequences.”

“In both cases,” continued Goldberg, “no one is really fooled, but Obama’s supporters and echo chamber will spin it as a victory for soft diplomacy and disregard the imminent dangers this approach engenders. They will also accuse opponents of the approach as, in the case of Iran, warmongers, and in the case of Sasha and Malia, as devoid of parental compassion and devotion. Then, if and when the long-term results prove other than the rosy future he predicted would arise as a consequence, he’ll blame Congress, the Republicans, and Binyamin Netanyahu for foiling his glorious plan.”

A spokesman for the White House told reporters that the president viewed Netanyahu having children as inappropriate interference in the president’s parenting.

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