Goebbels Doesn’t Know Whether To Be Flattered Or Repulsed By Haaretz Column Offer

Publisher Amos Schocken made the offer in person, according to Haaretz.

Berlin, March 26 – Nazi propaganda chief Josef Goebbels voiced conflicting emotions today over an invitation from the Israeli newspaper Haaretz to write a weekly op-ed article for them.

The manipulation mastermind of Adolph Hitler’s party and government confessed to being both flattered at the recognition and disgusted by the association with Jews, a spokesman for the minister told reporters.

“Herr Goebbels has yet to reach a decision on the matter, as he remains of two minds about such an arrangement,” explained Juden Raus. “On the one hand, it would go against everything he has worked for to engage directly with the Jewish owner and publisher of Haaretz; on the other hand, the invitation represents an unrivaled opportunity to contribute to the Jewish depopulation of the world, by joining an outfit that does its utmost to delegitimize Jewish self-defense and sovereignty.”

Raus noted that it was not the idea per se of associating with Jews that the minister finds objectionable. “Even during the Final Solution there were those whose jobs involved dealing directly with the subhuman Jews – it often had to be done, if only for the sake of efficiency and the war effort,” he spat. “But that wasn’t for everybody. A figure with the prominence and influence of Herr Goebbels should be senior enough never to have to encounter a Jew. Such a task should be delegated to field commanders, recruits, and Slavic untermensch proxies. Still, it’s not everyday that an influential Jewish publication opens its doors to what Goebbels has to say, and spreading his message to readers who might otherwise not encounter it is not something to be dismissed lightly.”

Publisher Amos Schocken made the offer in person, according to Haaretz. “Amos went to Berlin to pitch this arrangement directly,” notes Editor-in-Chief Aluf Benn. “Goebbels would be an incredible addition to our roster. I hope he accepts, because so many of our writers look up to him, and would give anything to sit at his feet and learn, even if at a distance. I’m even willing to entertain wholesale changes to our format to attract him, perhaps making Haaretz a German paper. Or switching the English edition to German, which it might as well already be.”

“Even if he says no, we’re OK,” continued Benn. “We have Gideon Levy, Rogel Alpher, Amira Hass, and plenty of other contributors who on their best days could give Goebbels a run for his money. But it would be incredible to have him on staff as well. One can certainly hope.”

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