‘Original’ Sin Actually Quite Derivative

“Been there, done that.”

Jerusalem, May 23 – Scholars of religion have discovered that what many adherents of religious faith call “Original” Sin in fact represents a phenomenon that existed well before the Sin’s ostensible beginnings.

Religious historians and theologians examined the emergence of the doctrine of Original Sin, a staple of Christian tenets by which only acceptance of Jesus as savior can redeem one from the damnation that automatically awaits humans as a result of Adam and Eve’s rebellion in Eden, and found that using the word “original” to describe the default, flawed human state constitutes a misapplication of that term. Instead, note the scholars, Derivative Sin would better serve to describe the tenet.

“There’s nothing ‘original’ about it, basically,” explained the Rev. Noshi Tcherlok. “Everything the Church Fathers discussed came from older ideas, and even those older ideas referred to phenomena that have existed in Nature since long before humanity appeared. In fact it’s ironic how little originality exists in the doctrine, and how little originality it therefore promotes in human endeavors. I mean, if I’m by nature corrupt and doomed, why bother trying to achieve anything, let alone anything new? So that it can be a waste when I end up in perdition? Please.”

“Been there, done that,” agreed Cardinal Thissus Oldhat. “Choosing to assert one’s independence and sense of self is as old as the hills. Humanity wasn’t the first to do differently from what it was told – that distinction belongs to the trees, as anyone who knows the text of Genesis can tell you. God told them to reproduce the way the grasses did, but they went and made their whole focus producing fruit. It’s that fruit Adam and Eve ate. Even if you take this as literal history, which no one with a brain does anymore, it’s right there in the text that there’s nothing Original about this Sin.”

It turns out, concluded the scholars, that the only accurate use of the term “original” applies to the Creator. “As Carl Sagan noted, to create an apple pie truly from scratch, you must first create the universe,” continued Oldhat. “And as Douglas Addams noted, ‘In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad idea.’ So you could say the only real Original Sin is the fact that we exist at all.”

“Well, excuse me for living,” he added.

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