IDF Introduces Pork-Tipped Bullets To Use Against Muslim Enemies

Supply of the pork is expected come from the herds of wild boars that have lived in the area since ancient times.

Ramat HaSharon, June 14 – Engineers at Israel’s government-owned arms enterprise have developed projectiles with pieces of pig meat on the end to deter Muslim enemies from attacking, a spokesman for the outfit announced today.

Israel Military Industries will begin supplying the Israel Defense Force with pork-tipped bullets and shells beginning next month, Colonel Hazir Bar told reporters at a press conference this morning, marking the next phase in multi-year program to ensure Israel maintains its qualitative edge over all other actors in the region.

“Our research and development teams have succeeded in embedding pork in the bullet heads of multiple types of projectiles, up to and including small artillery,” the colonel declared. “Since Muslims fear the taking pork into one’s body defiles it and prevents one from entering Paradise, we hope this new line of products assists the IDF in deterring aggression.”

Bullets for automatic weapons such as the M-16 and Tavor assault rifles, as well as larger-caliber shells for mortars and light artillery, have all been developed with what Colonel Bar called Special Weapons Interior Nexus Engineering (SWINE), a process he described as embedding a layer of bacon just beneath the outer surface of the bullet head that is released into the target upon impact. “We tested SWINE extensively, and have determined that the structural integrity, functioning, velocity, and stopping power of the projectiles have not been appreciably affected by the altered composition.”

Supply of the pork is expected come from the herds of wild boars that have lived in the area since ancient times, which Israeli farmers raise for purposes of sending out on crop-destroying rampages into Palestinian farms. “Not every animal is fit enough to complete such missions,” explained the spokesman in response to a journalist’s question. “Some, unfortunately, must be put down. The Russian-immigrant market for pork products is still relatively small, so the pig farmers raising wild boars are always looking for more customers. While each bullet or artillery shell includes only a small piece of pork, in the aggregate we expect production to require several tons of pork per year – more, if we can exploit the sales potential of these products via export to other countries facing militant Islam.”

Further research and development is ongoing to determine the feasibility and cost-effectiveness of applying SWINE to the large shells fired by naval vessels and large artillery, to cannon shells and rockets fired from aircraft, and to the specialized weapons fired by drones.

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