Arab Anuses Getting Callused By European Tongues

Incidence of callus-inducing Muslim-anus-licking by Europeans had held steady since the the First World War.

Fez, June 21 – Medical officials in the Arab and Muslim world are reporting increased incidences of inflamed or callused epithelial tissue around the anal orifice resulting from constant friction with the tongues of Europe, Al Jazeera has noted.

A news item yesterday on the Qatar-based network examined a documented uptick in cases of anal inflammation, followed by the development of scar tissue, as an outcome of European licking of Arab anuses. The reports noted that the phenomenon has been recorded across the region of sovereign Arab and Muslim countries from Morocco to Indonesia, and that indications exists of similar developments in European states with significant Muslim or Arab communities, though the internal European statistics remain unclear, owing to a Continent-wide ban on recording the ethnicity of Arabs in reports that do not involve them as victims.

“We are seeing a significant rise in anal tissue inflammation and callusing consistent with repeated lingual swipes,” confirmed Moroccan Minister of Health Services Alhafa Boutilik. “DNA testing has confirmed that in the vast majority of cases, approaching ninety-five percent, the tongue involved was European, a number that represents a noticeable jump from previous reporting periods.”

Minister Boutilik presented World Health Organization figures illustrating the change. For the five-year period ending in 2016, the incidence of European licking of Muslim anuses so intense that it produced calluses reached as high as 75 cases for every one thousand people across the region, with the figure reaching as high as 120 in some locations, such as Iran. In contrast, the years 2007-2011 saw incidence of 60 for every thousand people, and for 2002-2006 the figure was still as low as 45, the lowest it has been since the attacks of September 11, 2001. Beforehand, the incidence of callus-inducing Muslim-anus-licking by Europeans had held steady since the the First World War, when it first broke through the 10-per-1000 threshold. Prior to the turn of the twentieth century, record-keeping of the phenomenon was spotty.

Public health authorities across the region have yet to determine what, if anything, to do to address the phenomenon. “As far as we can tell it has not hot had any adverse effects on the population,” assessed epidemiologist Lickmor Butticks of the WHO. “A minority among the committees that monitor these statistics has been calling for an examination of the effects of all this anus-licking on the European populations performing the actual anus-licking, but the terms of our funding mandate likely do not cover the collection and analysis of such data.”

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