North Koreans Hoping Missile That Can Reach North America Can Bring Back Food

“Leftovers. We’ll take leftovers. Your mom’s fruitcake. Lutefisk, whatever the hell that is. Please. Can you catch our amazing new missile and send it back with that stuff?”

Pyongyang, July 4 – The government of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea announced the successful test of a ballistic missile yesterday, claiming the weapon’s capabilities bring almost anywhere on Earth into range, and prompting the inhabitants of North Korea to wonder whether the missile, once it travels that far, can pick up some of the surplus foodstuffs that must exist outside the country, and deliver them to the starving DPRK population.

While foreign defense and intelligence sources questioned the veracity of North Korea’s claims that the missile has the range to cross, for example, the Pacific Ocean, to threaten the US, inside the DPRK, citizens are looking to the new weapons technology to help them, reasoning that even if the missile can only reach as far as Alaska, Hawaii, or Japan, those places have significant quantities of actual food, a resource North Korea lacks.

“There’s only so much ammunition and rocket fuel a family can eat,” explained Aimong Rhee, a father of two. “We’ve been subsisting on that, on barbed wire, and on leaflets distributed by the government to the effect that we live in a workers’ paradise whose prosperity is unrivaled anywhere else on Earth thanks to the wisdom, resolve, and just all-around greatness of the Kim dynasty. Maybe the amazing new missile, which we are told can carry a nuclear warhead, can also carry some bread and meat back to us? Maybe some vegetables? We’re not picky.”

Government broadcasts and publications depict Americans shaking in fear at the prospect of a nuclear-capable North Korea, portraying them as overweight and lazy, and leading the local population to realize those fat Americans must have much more food than they need, and might be persuaded to part with some of it that North Koreans might have enough to survive.

“I’m fine with whatever part of the chicken they don’t want,” offered Kinai Getsam, who struggles to feed her family. “I’ll take necks, feet, whatever. Giblets? We love giblets. Oh, my goodness, we haven’t had our full caloric intake forever. Leftovers. We’ll take leftovers. Your mom’s fruitcake. Lutefisk, whatever the hell that is. Please. Can you catch our amazing new missile and send it back with that stuff? Thank you kindly.”

A representative of the Secret Police assured both interviewees and a reporter that where they were about to find themselves, where their next meal would come from will nevermore be a concern.

Please support our work through Patreon.