Despite 7-Hour Talk, Kerry Fails To Convince Netanyahu His Chin Is Real

Rome, Italy (AP) – US Secretary of State John Kerry spent most of yesterday afternoon and evening attempting to persuade Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu that the secretary’s chin was not fake, but reportedly did not succeed, sources present at the meeting say.

The session in the Italian capital was originally slated for discussion of Iran’s nuclear ambitions and US-Israel disagreement over how strictly to treat Iran in that regard. Once the talks got underway, Netanyahu found himself unable to concentrate on the official agenda, focusing instead on what appeared to be a bicycle seat wedged under the skin in the front of Mr. Kerry’s skull.

Secretary Kerry assured the Israeli premier that in fact the structure of his face was entirely a natural occurrence, and that other members of his immediate family have similarly prominent chins. Netanyahu was heard to respond, “Such as who, Jay Leno?” referring to the late-night talk show host known for a similar facial deformity. Mr. Leno was unavailable for comment.

Staff members from both men’s entourages reportedly sensed the urgency of the spontaneous departure from the scheduled issue, and chimed in with their own suggestions for what Kerry’s chin most closely resembles, along with possible nicknames for the Secretary of State that would give proper attention to his most distinguishing feature. Only one person present, a junior Netanyahu aide, refused to discuss what he deemed a most frivolous issue in relation to the obvious elephant in the room, Mr. Kerry’s hair.

Aides to both men who spoke on condition of anonymity provided the Associated Press with a selection of some of the comparisons and monikers. One American proposed that Kerry’s face looks most like an enlarged, severed thumb had been attached to his bottom lip. Another suggested that the secretary had carelessly eaten an ice cream cone the wrong way and permanently lodged it below his mouth.

Most of the Israelis present were in agreement that Kerry’s face was most likely the tip of a large sausage that had somehow become grafted onto his face, but they were also open to the possibility of a lipoma, a type of benign fatty growth that would enable people to refer to Mr. Kerry, with literal accuracy, as a fathead. The secretary admitted that he had been referred to in that manner countless time,s but had never made the connection. “I apologize to anyone at whom I got upset as a result,” he said.

Talks on Kerry’s chin are to continue at a lower level, with President Barack Obama likely to weigh in on the question of whether the preferred nickname for his Secretary of State will be “The Jawbitrator” or “Mr. About Face.”