Israel to Preemptively Strike Iran with Gay-Bomb

Jerusalem, February 13 – Logistical moves in Israel’s military point to preparations for a “gay” assault on Iran, according to reports obtained by PreOccupied Territory. The preparations come amid heightened tension over Iran’s nuclear capabilities and intentions, as well as its call for destruction of the Jewish State.

The reports, citing unnamed officials in Israel’s Ministry of Defense, said Israel is preparing an attack in several waves to ensure that in its aftermath, Iran would no longer be a nuclear threat. But while previous analyses have all agreed that Israel lacks to firepower to permanently disable Iran’s nuclear facilities, the “gay” attack is aimed at transforming Iranian society into a firestorm of homosexual desire and activity. As an anticipated result, say the officials, Iran would no longer focus on developing weapons of mass destruction, instead pursuing ever-more-fabulous and flamboyant military uniforms.

If accurate, the reports are the first open indication that Israel possesses the gay-bomb. For decades, it has been widely assumed that Israel has gay weapons, but it has never been officially acknowledged. After so many years of a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy, these reports are the first time Israel has mentioned taking its gay arsenal out of its military closet.

The first phase of the assault, as detailed in the defense ministry report, calls for a quick penetration by Israeli jets flying under enemy gaydar. Upon reaching their targets, they would release their payload of FAG missiles. The FAG is said to be a more powerful version of the US weapon known as Agent Pink, used in a limited capacity in Vietnam, and long the subject of controversy over its long-term effects on the population.

Those effects are apparently exactly what Israel aims to achieve. The FAG missiles are intended to induce in the targets an intense, sudden urge to  find the nearest Turkish bath and to disrobe, not necessarily in that order. Aimed at the air defense installations that might otherwise interfere with a direct attack on the target sites, the FAG missiles will render such interference moot.

The second stage of the assault would follow within minutes. A group of EA6B Prowlers, sensory aircraft known as Queers in pilot parlance, would probe the locations of targets for followup measures. Then a second group of aircraft, in two prongs, would penetrate deeper into the bowels of Iran’s countryside to hit targets. The first prong would release gay bombs on major population centers and military installations, while the second prong would specifically target regime figures.

High on the list would be President Hassan Rouhani, whose predecessor Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, in a September 2007 address at Columbia University, famously denied the existence of homosexuals in Iran.

Hermann Sdomi, Professor of Politics and the Military at Athens University, said the munitions employed in targeting Rouhani would probably involve the Irony Dome system, an Israel Military Industries creation that encases the target in a semicircle of comeuppance about half a kilometer in diameter.

Stage three would be to enable the attacking aircraft to withdraw safely. A final penetration would follow, in which the aircraft would release their payloads of FAG II missiles. According to Ben Dover, a senior lecturer on National Security at the MultiDisciplinary Center in Hertzeliya, the Israel Air Force has upwards of 300 FAG II missiles, the effect of which is to give the targets limp wrists, thus making any remaining air defense installations even less likely to impede a withdrawal.

The report as quoted refers to high-level disagreement in Israel’s upper military echelons regarding the feasibility of such an operation. It does not include treatment of other kind of protection that Iran is known to possess, such as the Con-Dome, a shield against certain types of penetration, but one with an inconsistent record, and easily compromised by minor flaws or errors.

It also does not account for possible disruption of the operation by other bodies such as American aircraft flying over Iraq and Persian Gulf, the two most likely routes for Israeli penetration and withdrawal.

Another unmentioned possibility is Iran’s rumored possession of the HERPES and AIDS systems, which adhere to penetrating aircraft and make their future use problematic.

“What we’re probably seeing is Israel flirting with an idea, and a seductive one. But we’ll have to see over time whether this vector is really what Israel intends to pursue, given the risks to her own systems,” said Dover. “But it could easily just be Israel flexing its well-oiled muscles for Iran to see. In any case, Iran should take a long, hard, penetrating look at this threat.”