Cecil B. Demille? Actually, My Voice Is More Like Gilbert Gottfried

By God

Decades of Hollywood’s influence on popular culture have perpetuated the misconception that My speaking voice resonates with gravitas, seriousness, and intimidating presence. I confess I appreciate the awe and reverence such a choice of characterization indicates, but in fact my speaking voice is less Cecil B. Demille in The Ten Commandments and more Gilbert Gottfried in Disney’s Aladdin.

It’s true. I don’t speak to humans in a direct fashion very much anymore, so you wouldn’t know it firsthand, but that’s just the way I am what I am, so to speak. Hearing Me speak was always an experience that produced a certain type of dread, and while one can certainly attribute the feeling to being in the presence of, and having direct contact with, the Source of All Being, no small part of the near-traumatic effects of the communication stems in fact from the grating, whiny near-shout that characterizes My vocals.

No wonder, then, that approaching the divine has always required multiple layers of warning to deter those unprepared for the aural assault. The Israelites heard Me speak and wanted to die – understandable. Of course they asked Moses to act as My mouthpiece! Who wouldn’t? It takes a specific, and erroneous, set of assumptions to conclude it was fear of My awesome presence. I was careful not to specify that in the Biblical text.

The same goes for that time Elijah was repeatedly admonished not to seek My voice in the thunder, the wind, the fire, or what have you. My “thin, still voice,” indeed. Ancient Hebrew didn’t have a word for “loud and obnoxious,” so the prophet went with euphemism.

It might seem a bit unfair to keep demanding that My people “hearken unto My voice” when My voice is the most grating sound in existence, but that’s why figurative language is so important. You people who take everything I say as literally as possible are one of the main reasons you fail to actually hearken unto My word. I could sound like James Earl Jones and you’d still be way off the mark. But I digress.

My point here is, always shine a critical light on your assumptions. Theologians and philosophers can ponder why My speaking voice sounds like angry bees trying to do a David Lee Roth impression, but that’s not a subject for the moment. Right now, what’s demanded of you is to go back to the beginning of this essay and read it in a Gilbert Gottfried voice. Verily, hearken unto My voice.

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