THIS Will Be The Blog Comment That Solves The Arab-Israeli Conflict

By Dee Luszenal

Everyone ready? I’m about to submit a comment on this website, a comment that will once and for all bring the whole Arab-Israeli conflict to an end with its manifest sanity, compelling points, humanity, cogent reasoning, and sparkling rhetoric.

Once the people behold the unassailable arguments I make in this comment, they will question the certainty of their long-held positions and come around to my way of seeing things, which is, as they will all soon see, the only way. The only thing in the way of resolving this conflict is an overabundance of distortion, which I will remedy by introducing documented facts and a comprehensive treatment of why those facts are the ones that matter while other facts invoked by one party or another remain of marginal importance at best. I’m almost done composing it.

Part of the art of submitting the comment that will end the Arab-Israeli conflict lies in selecting the right website on which to submit it. I have finally arrived at the ideal site, a blog with moderate, but not universal, popularity, such that my comment will hit the sweet spot where it will be seen by more than a handful of readers but not drowned out by the ravings of hoi polloi.

Then, of course, I had to determine the ideal time of day to post my comment so that it will be seen by the maximum number of relevant visitors: those in the Middle East and Europe plus those across North and South America. With that in hand, I set about composing the comment that will change the region, and the world, forever.

This is how history is made; there are watershed moments when the right person steps up and does something not previously possible – and might not be possible ever again. I hope you are watching, because not everyday do you get to see the course of history change in real time. I crafted this comment with care, knowing what it will accomplish. Its epic significance pervaded every stroke of my fingers against the keyboard.

Brace yourselves: the moment is at hand. I will now hit Submit.

There. It is done. I might as well start preparing for the Nobel ceremony now, because-

Oh, wait. Connectivity issues. Hold on…

OK, there. It is done. The perfect comment, at the perfect moment, the bring about a perfect worl-

No. NO. Oh, goddammit. A spelling mistake. Arrrggh! Why couldn’t I catch it earlier? It will ruin everything and distract from my argument! Curses!

We’re doomed.

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