Palestinians Running Out Of Innocent Things To Weaponize

Last week saw a balloon with “I Love You” printed on it land in an Israeli community near Gaza, attached to a small bomb.

Gaza City, June 21 – Residents of this coastal Mediterranean territory warned today that there remain few ideas or objects untouched by hate and violence for them to appropriate and transform into agents of death and destruction.

Leaders of the Hamas movement that governs Gaza and citizens on the street alike confessed they have spent the last several years scouring stores, homes, and the internet for things associated with childhood, playfulness, and harmless fun, for purposes of turning those things into weapons against Israel, but there appears a dearth of such objects, ideas, and activities that have yet to undergo such transformation at the hand of Palestinians.

“We’ve already done children – that was a no-brainer,” remarked Yahya Sinwar, leader of Hamas. “But that was hardly our innovation; child soldiers have been a thing forever. But motherhood – check. Booby-trapped toys when the IDF comes in – check. Kites – check. There’s almost nothing we haven’t turned into a weapon of some sort, but we’re running out of new ideas. Without the surge of pride in devising new and different ways to weaponize pure, good things, we risk the entire Palestinian nationalist movement.”

Recent weeks have seen Palestinians send kites, balloons, inflated condoms, and other objects carrying incendiary or explosive material into Israel to ignite agricultural fields, brush, and nature reserves. Last week saw a balloon with “I Love You”printed on it land in an Israeli community near Gaza, attached to a small bomb aimed at injuring whoever handled it. The resort to condoms represents a creative, if desperate, move into an object type few would have associated with warfare, and has provided a temporary burst of relief in what has become a hopeless attempt to turn every possible item in existence into a weapon.

“Packing screws, nails, and other hardware into suicide bomber belts to cause greater and more severe casualties was one of our first innovations,” recalled Muhammad Deff, a senior Hamas commander. “But as the enemy has adapted, we have had to innovate further, with mixed results. Our ace in the hole has always been our children, whom we place in harm’s way so as to turn them and the news media into weapons of propaganda and delegimitization, but as Israel develops technology and tactics to shield itself from our weapons without sending in troops, we have fewer and fewer opportunities to achieve that.”

Deff mocked a reporter’s suggestion that the Palestinians invest effort instead in developing infrastructure, and economy, and stability instead of new ways to kill Jews. “You have no idea what being a Palestinian means, obviously,” he sniffed.

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