Terrorist Condemned To Return As Parent Of First-Grader Who Won’t Toilet Train

Mr. Ali will return to Earthly life in approximately 2025, this time as a suburban father of three near Philadelphia.

Seventh Circle of Hades, July 3 – A Palestinian jihadi who died trying to kill Jews will be reincarnated as the father of a six-year-old who refuses to relieve herself anywhere but in her clothes, underworld sources reported today.

Assistant under-daemon for extraordinary sentences Ned Flanders told reporters today that the domain’s Punitive Committee voted unanimously to condemn Yusuf Ali to come back to life to experience a hell that Gehenna alone cannot produce, in measure with the evil he unleashed and pursued during his just-ended life.

“Mr. Ali has earned suffering beyond the current capacity of Hell to dispense at once,” stated Flanders. “However, not all punishment occurs in the afterlife, and we will, after a suitable period of excruciating torment, take his soul and insert it into the body of a parent of a recalcitrant, apathetic elementary-school student who makes life awkward and miserable for everyone around her, with her parents suffering the most mortifying shame.”

According to documents provided by the daemon, Mr. Ali will return to Earthly life in approximately 2025, this time as a suburban father of three near Philadelphia. Instead of seeing violence as the answer to all problems, as his erstwhile self was indoctrinated, in his upcoming existence the as-yet-unnamed man will be forced to handle his daughter’s refusal to toilet-train without resort to means of corporal punishment – however ineffective – that his previous life sanctioned.

“Not only will this set of consequences provide the torment the subject deserves, it will incorporate corrective elements, as the subject is compelled to develop disciplinary, didactic, and other methods that do not involve the infliction of suffering on another to induce her to behave as desired,” a summary document read. “This will, however, only follow an unspecified duration during which he and his spouse will face countless dirty looks, accusations of inadequacy, threats to remove the child from their custody, and other shameful episodes that will undermine their self-esteem and flood them with embarrassment of the sort Hell struggles to generate on its premises.”

Another member of the Punitive Committee disclosed that the excretory difficulties will not be restricted to the urinary realm. “It’s going to stink,” he predicted, with more than a hint of a smile. “And the house is going to stink. Her school bag is going to stink. The whole classroom is going to stink. And it’s all going to be on the shoulders of this jihadi idiot who couldn’t make simple moral distinctions. Idiot.”

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