MKs In Uproar After Discovering Knesset Going Paperless Includes Toilet Paper

“It’s been a real… well, I don’t have to say it,” mumbled a frustrated MK Ahmad Tibi.

Jerusalem, July 12 – Cries of protest filled the plenum of Israel’s parliament today following revelations that a new policy to eliminate the use of precious paper resources also meant legislators and their staff must do without the substance when cleaning up after excretory functions.

The Knesset went paperless as of this morning (Thursday), the concluding step in a ten-year process aimed at integrating ecological sensibilities into the everyday management of the compound. However, lawmakers and their aides claimed no one had informed them that the restroom facilities were included in the new regimen, resulting in numerous cries for help from stall-bound unfortunates, and mounting anger at the new policy.

Desperate phone calls and texts rang through the set of buildings throughout the day as those stuck without hygienic recourse in their facilities summoned colleagues to obtain and deliver toilet paper. A process intended to streamline work through the transfer of paper-heavy processes to the digital realm instead brought about hundreds of man-hours of lost work, with meetings disrupted, speeches delayed, inter-office communication stymied, and workers off the premises, attempting to procure rolls of bath tissue for their trapped superiors or colleagues.

“It’s been a real… well, I don’t have to say it,” mumbled a frustrated MK Ahmad Tibi. “This was not well-executed.”

“Heads are going to roll over this,” seethed MK Tzipi Livni. “Somebody is asking to have the floor wiped with them.”

Knesset management scrambled to address the chaos. “The details of the transfer to a paperless system were posted to all employees two months ago,” insisted Director-General Dar K. Shetten. “A circular – a paper one, at that – went around informing everyone what to expect. We will examine how and where we might improve communication, but this was not out of the blue by any means.”

Those who suffered owing to the lack of toilet paper remained unimpressed. “What dork actually reads those posts?” sneered Speaker Yuli Edelstein. “After years of insipid announcements about things no one needs or cares about, such as new procedures for disposing of used coffee cups, they expect us to be paying attention? You’ve got to be $*&@ing me.”

MK Oren Hazan of Likud, who ran late this morning as usual, discovered the debacle on his way to work and took advantage of the situation, stopping into a supermarket to buy several packages of toilet paper to sell to others in the Knesset at a 400% profit.

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