Palestinian Authority To Pay Lifetime Pension To Pittsburgh Shooter

“Our affinity with Nazis goes back to Mufti Husseini, and that affinity is thicker than mere ethnicity.”

Ramallah, October 28 – The white supremacist who opened fire inside a Pennsylvania synagogue and killed 11 people will receive a generous monthly payment for the rest of his life, in keeping with longstanding Palestinian policy, a representative for President Mahmoud Abbas announced today.

Robert Bowers, 46, became eligible for thousands of dollars per month from Palestinian coffers Saturday morning, stated Abbas aide Nabil Aburdeineh. “It matters little that the ethnicity of this brave man is not the same as ours,” he declared. “Our affinity with Nazis goes back to Mufti Husseini, and that affinity is thicker than mere ethnicity.”

President Abbas issued an official statement that stressed the location of the attack on Jews should in no way prejudice the payment policy against the perpetrator of the act, and that he will ensure that such an exception is specifically negated in the regulations governing those payments. “It would be a disservice to our resistance and their families to exclude such deeds from eligibility simply because they take place overseas,” the statement read.

Even before the release of the gunman’s identity by law enforcement, Abbas instructed his financial officials to discover the relevant information so that payment could be arranged as soon as possible. The fact that the killer was not Palestinian, stressed Abbas, should not be factor in his family’s eligibility for a pension. “The fact that this brave wielded a weapon and yelled, ‘All Jews must die!’ is enough,” he observed. Abbas added that it would constitute discrimination to reward attempts to kill Jews only in one part of the world.

The final amount Bowers will receive remains unknown, as several of the wounded may yet succumb. Aburdeineh explained that the payments reflect the simple calculus of how many Jews were killed by the attacker.

“We can’t encourage noble resistance if we equate all achievements,” he acknowledged. “Of course we have to scale the incentives to favor larger casualty figures. With the economic desperation hitting so many people, there’s bound to be someone who picks up the gauntlet for such a guaranteed lifetime income.” Aburdeineh disclosed that there had yet been no contact between Palestinian representatives and the shooter or his family, but that the establishment of direct ties was a matter of time. “We can even put him in contact with organizations that provide free legal defense in such cases,” he boasted. “The New Israel Fund provides support for a whole bevy of them.”

Please support our work through Patreon.