I’ll Do Your Hanukkah Lighting Ceremony For The Right Price

By Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu

Jerusalem, December 3 – That time of year has come again, and I hereby make the same offer as always: in exchange for the right amount of cash, favors, or other benefit accruing to the persons or organization of my choosing, I will grace your Festival of Lights menorah-lighting event.

Prudence dictates that any such arrangement remain discreet; various organs of law enforcement and oversight frown upon such quid pro quo agreements, even though I leave the offer open to all comers, and refuse to discriminate. Anyone, no matter his or her race, creed, color, orientation, or other attribute, may secure my attendance at their Hanukiyyah-lighting ceremony for the right price. It’s perfectly democratic. I fail to see any legal or ethical problem. But the watchdogs take a different view, so for everyone’s convenience, let us pretend I come to your event in particular because I am a generous man of the people and a keen politician, and leave it at that.

Remuneration need not take place on the spot, or even in advance. In fact, it can assume the form of a cushy job for a friend, relative, or business or political ally, or for the friend or relative of a business or political ally. It take assume the form of ice cream for Sara. It can even assume the form of inducements to an Attorney General not to indict me or my wife for bribery, regardless of police recommendations. Just to pull out an example at random.

Hanukkah celebrates the reassertion of our cultural sovereignty in the face of the pernicious influence of foreign mores. Military triumphs over an invader marked only one aspect of the struggle, which also involved efforts, often underground, to maintain the integrity of our practices and outlook. In the same vein, you and I must keep this aspect of our relationship concealed, lest the modern-day analogs of the Hellenized Assyrians disrupt the arrangement and we wind up instead with an arraignment. Prosecution and persecution. That was a joke, of the kind you can expect when I address those gathered at your ceremony. Ha-ha-ha-Hanukkah.

We have seven nights available – Friday night is out because I’d catch hell from the Haredim in my coalition – but I can be present at multiple candle-lighting ceremonies on a single evening, thanks to the long December nights. That means, barring a war with Hezbollah or Hamas, up to twenty-one people or organizations can have me at their ceremony, assuming they’re willing to expend personal, financial, or political capital to do so. I promised Yair some serious gelt this year.

Please support our work through Patreon.