Canada Vows Census Of US Nerds’ Girlfriends You Don’t Know

The existence of such adolescent girls in Canada has been attested to for several decades in statements provided under interrogation by American nerds to cooler classmates.

Ottawa, January 3 – The government of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau promised today to conduct a full-scale count of the number of female romantic partners of American adolescent misfits that according to reports populate various schools throughout the kingdom, a spokesman for the premier announced today.

Ministers of Education for all of Canada’s provinces agreed this morning to preform a census of the young women who according to statements by boys south of the border, inhabit “a different school” from the one the boys attend in the US. When pressed, reports indicate, the American teenagers reveal that their girlfriends live in Canada, where, they assure those conducting the interrogation, no one the askers know can be expected to be familiar with the girls in question.

“We have indications of a large number of girlfriends of losers, nerds, dweebs, geeks, dorks, and assorted manner of wads – gaywads, dorkwads, and dickwads, among others – enrolled in our great country’s secondary education institutions,” acknowledged Ontario Provincial Minister of Education Mitzie Hunter at a joint press conference with her counterparts from across Canada’s provinces and territories. “The evidence at hand suggests that many of these girls may suffer from medical issues, if we are to judge from the quality of their images in comparison to the boys in the photos with them. We must identify and reach these girls to meet their educational, emotional, and possibly medical needs.”

Records show that the existence of such adolescent girls in Canada has been attested to for several decades in statements provided under interrogation by American nerds to cooler classmates, primarily following accusations of “faggot.” The preponderance of such statements led Trudeau to convene a commission last year to study the phenomenon and issue recommendations for how to address the situation. The commission submitted its report to the prime minister in July, and the latter published it, with some redactions, in November.

The commission’s report details an examination of supporting documentation that applies to the statements of the dorks and nerds, et al., mostly in the form of photographs with the boys’ arm or arms around an attractive female. In all of those images, the report notes, the lighting and other environmental factors have a different effect on the skin, clothes, and hair of the boy than on those of the girl, similar to the result of someone clumsily manipulating an image to include both adolescents.

Provincial Minister Sébatien Proulx of Quebec, a member of the commission, explained that the report would have been ready three months sooner, but his dog ate the first draft.

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