Abbas Shocked His Peaceful Efforts Not Rewarded With Nobel

Abbas has reportedly spent the weeks since the award announcement alternately brooding and lashing out at staff.

Ramallah, October 19 – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas is still sore that the Nobel Peace Prize Committee spurned him as a recipient of the award, sources in the Palestinian Authority reported today.

Despite years of educating his people toward peace with Israel through such means as incitement to kill, deligitimization, and paying generous lifetime pensions to terrorists and their families, this year’s Nobel Prize for Peace went instead to the Tunisian National Dialogue Quartet, which worked to ease sectarian tensions in post-Arab-Spring Tunisia. According to aides, Abbas has reportedly spent the weeks since the award announcement alternately brooding and lashing out at staff, and could be heard mumbling about injustice and possible revenge.

“It turns out the Raïs’s address to the UN General Assembly, in which he talked about the Palestinian ‘culture of peace,’ was aimed at the Nobel Committee,” said Palestinian official Nabil Shaath, referring to Abbas by his formal title. “It was a bit of last-minute lobbying for his own case. Maybe the Committee wasn’t swayed, or maybe he sabotaged his chances by being so up-front about it.” Shaath noted that it would hardly be the first time a Palestinian leader has adopted an international strategy that backfired.

In the wake of the rejection, Abbas has been heard to mutter comments such as, “They don’t think I’m a man of peace? Even the pope said I was. So they don’t agree? Fine. I’ll show THEM just how non-peaceful I can be, if that’s what they want.” Aides note that the pitch and frequency of the incitement to murder Jews have increased since the announcement that the prize would go to someone other than Abu Mazen, as he is also known.

“The Committee might well have been pointedly rejecting a previous modus operandi that Abbas was counting on,” surmised political affairs observer Sharpe Azatak. “When a member of the Nobel selection committee publicly admitted giving the prize to Obama in ’08 was a mistake, it was essentially a repudiation of the notion that the prize could be used as an inducement for the recipient to aspire toward its ideals. Abbas, however, was evidently banking on another instance of the same phenomenon, at which point he would use the award as proof that he and his people seek peace while Israel does not.”

Now that Abbas has been thwarted, says Azatak, if he does not get over the snub soon, the Nobel Committee should expect his candidacy next year to be more convincing. “I’m thinking along the lines of a campaign called Give Me The Nobel Peace Prize Or I Will Terrorize You,” he said.