Abbas Vows To Find Voodoo Doll Behind Lack Of Palestinian Free Will

“The only explanation for our people and their leadership repeatedly refusing to demonstrate any sense that they possess any political or moral agency.”

BeatrixBelibaste via Wikimedia Commons

Ramallah, February 4 – The president of the body that governs the vast majority of Palestinians in areas ceded to their control as part of a 1993 interim agreement expressed his commitment today to identifying, locating, and disposing of the enchanted object whose fault it is that the Palestinian leadership has consistently blamed outside forces and actors for the nation’s ongoing misfortune.

Mahmoud Abbas stated his resolve at meeting today of Fatah faction leaders at his headquarters in this de facto Palestinian capital north of Jerusalem, aides to several officials reported. They conveyed the president’s urgent tone, signaling that he believes little time remains to find and neutralize the thing that prevents them from having the free will to assert personal or collective responsibility.

“The Raïs stressed the importance of locating this Voodoo doll immediately,” disclosed Yasser Abd Rabbo, using Mr. Abbas’s formal title. “It appears to be the only explanation for our people and their leadership repeatedly refusing to demonstrate any sense that they possess any political or moral agency.”

Nabil Aburdeineh added that Palestinians appear not to be the only people under the malign control of the Voodoo doll. “One of the reasons it has been so difficult for us to escape our quagmire is that so many of our allies and supporters have similarly shown inability to conceive of our having volition of any sort,” he explained. “When everything is Israel’s fault, or America’s, or the Jews’, or that of other nefarious forces, be they Afro-Caribbean black magic or plain old Machiavellian, you can’t just decide to take responsibility for your actions. That would fly in the face of our enemies being irredeemably evil and deserving of abject defeat and humiliation. Can you imagine the shame of having to admit responsibility for bad decisions affecting millions of people? It’s inconceivable, and therefore must be the work of some Zionist Voodoo master.”

Palestinian officials expressed reluctance to predict what might occur after they find the doll. “Truth is, accountability would be scary,” admitted Hanan Ashrawi. “It would mean international aid and support conditional on making the right decisions, and I’m afraid we’re just not accustomed to that. It’s Israel’s fault, of course, for granting us the autonomy to do just that and then expecting us to choose our people’s welfare and prosperity over our own career advancement and personal enrichment. Who put such an idea into your head? You must be under the sway of some Voodoo yourself.”

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