After Bridging NY-Boston Rivalry, Jeter To Mediate Mideast Conflict

Boston, September 29 – Following an outpouring of appreciation once deemed impossible from fans of a hated rival, the outgoing shortstop of the New York Yankees has been appointed Special Envoy to the Middle East. He will use his powers to bring bitter opponents together in pursuit of a greater value.

Derek Jeter took the final at-bats of his career at Boston’s Fenway Park yesterday afternoon, following a moving pre-game ceremony in which heroes of Boston sports legend came to pay tribute to him. The 40-year-old was playing his final game after announcing last spring that this year would be his final one as a player, marking the end of a twenty-year career during which the Michigan native assured a himself place in the Baseball Hall of Fame while maintaining a spotless reputation and class that have eluded many other high-profile players. His poise and dedication to the game eventually won over even Red Sox Nation, as the legions of Yankee-hating loyalists are known. Jeter singled home a run in his second plate appearance of the game, then left the field for a pinch-runner amid a standing ovation that lasted nearly two full minutes.

That achievement immediately caught the attention of President Barack Obama, who has been desperate to reassert an effective US role in Israeli-Palestinian peacemaking, and whose team has been both relatively ineffective and suspected of improper loyalties; former envoy Martin Indyk worked extensively at the Brookings Institution, a foreign-policy think tank that recent disclosures indicate was funded by Hamas patron Qatar. “Derek Jeter has accomplished what many thought an even more impossible feat than peace between Israel and her neighbors,” said the president. “This should be a piece of cake for him.”

Some of the tensest, most violent moments in professional baseball have taken place while the Boston Red Sox were playing the New York Yankees. Through the decades, fights between players and between rival fans flared as every achievement or slight by the rival club carried extra sting. Despite the rancor and resentment, Jeter’s manner and achievements generated first Bostonian dismissiveness, then grudging acknowledgment, followed by appreciation, and finally, outright admiration.

For his part, the shortstop reacted to the news with his customary humility, downplaying his role in reducing Yankees-Red Sox tension. “Boston won two World Series while I was playing. I think that had more to do with things than anything I ever did,” he said.

As for his chances of success in ensuring a durable final status arrangement between Israel and the Palestinians, Jeter remained circumspect. “As I always said, we’ll take things a day at time. I’ve got a job to do, and that’s what I’ve got to do.”