After Defense Against The Dark Arts, Dolores Umbridge Tapped For UK Labour ‘Antisemitism Czar’ Position

“Ms. Umbridge represents the perfect choice to lead this commission: loyal to her superior, condescending of victims, and willing to tolerate or engage in violence to whitewash her faction’s official view.”

London, April 18 – Mounting public pressure on Opposition Leader Jeremy Corbyn to address hatred for Jews in his party’s ranks has prompted him to engage a former educator at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry known for her exclusive emphasis on theory to address the problem.

Dolores Umbridge will head up a Labour commission on antisemitism, Corbyn announced Wednesday, having shown her abilities and inclinations during a tenure at Hogwarts in the 1990’s. He announced the hiring at a press conference in response to the latest protest against the party’s apparent tolerance for antisemitism, in which a line of trucks carried billboards throughout the city highlighting Labour’s and Corbyn’s tepid response to Jewish concerns.

“Ms. Umbridge will bring her by-the-book and in-the-book approach to this thorny challenge,” he declared. “As shown by her methods in the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, Ms. Umbridge represents the perfect choice to lead this commission: loyal to her superior, condescending of victims, and willing to tolerate or engage in violence to whitewash her faction’s official view.”

Corbyn noted that while there has already been a commission of inquiry into Labour antisemitism that he and the party found satisfactory, as it recommended little to no action on the part of the Labour leadership, he acknowledges the need for a public move to address Jewish concerns. “Even though they’re not the right kind of Jews, with many of them professing sympathy for Zionism, this is a political necessity,” he conceded. “But with Ms. Umbridge at the helm, this commission will enjoy greater authority and take a more robust approach to bringing the rank and file into line with the axiom that any accusation of antisemitism against me or other members of the party must be an attempt to discredit my anti-Zionist credentials and thereby to cripple opposition to Israel’s heinous treatment of Palestinians.”

Corbyn paused for a moment to consider his next remarks, at which point Umbridge cleared her throat and nudged the Labour chairman away from the microphone. “Hem hem,” she began, unfolding a piece of parchment. “This noble institution of Labour must not tolerate attempts to derail it from its historical mission. Change for change’s sake must be avoided. To that end, I have already assembled an Inquisitorial Squad deputized to mete out the proper treatment to those who run afoul of Mr. Corbyn’s official position. All those who would consider slander against the wise leadership of our chairman should consider what happens to those who tell lies.”

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