“We could have capped the level of suffering at slavery and infanticide vs. occasional blood, amphibians, and bugs. No, you had to introduce pestilence.”
Thebes, February 27 – The emperor of the Egyptian realm decried today the latest divine blows against his kingdom and people by the God of the Israelites, calling the pestilence that struck Egyptian – but not Israelite – livestock amounted to an unwarranted intensification of the standoff between him, who desires to keep the Israelites enslaved and not upset the social and political order, and YHWH, who desires to liberate the Israelites and bring them into His own service as a light unto the nations, palace sources reported.
Pharaoh summoned Moses, the leader of the Hebrews, to denounce the escalation.
“This was unnecessary,” he insisted. “Things were sustainable as they were. We had already suffered blood, frogs, lice, wild beasts or gnats, depending on whom you ask, and now you and your god want to disturb things by killing our animals with disease? We could have lived with things until now, but now you insist on taking things to a higher level of aggression.”
“Things could remain status quo,” he continued. “But you and your YHWH, whoever that is, decided you couldn’t leave well enough alone, and had to kick it up a notch. I wasn’t interested in escalation. I was always keen to keep things as they were. You had your fun rabble-rousing, and every right-thinking person assumed it should end before this point. We could have capped the level of suffering at slavery and infanticide vs. occasional blood, amphibians, and bugs. No, you had to introduce pestilence. Unacceptable escalation.”
Foreign governments and international organization sounded a similarly condemnatory tone. “Israelite escalation is not what the parties, the region, or the world needs right now,” stated United Nations Secretary General Antonio Guterres. “This was not a helpful move by the god of the Hebrews, Moses, or anyone else. Everyone sensible knows that eventually the two sides will have to reach a negotiated solution. Escalating things only pushes that further away.”
International leaders pushed for the Israelites to make concessions to the aggrieved Egyptians. “Their economy is in tatters,” lamented Canadian President Justin Trudeau. “The Hebrews must at least commit to accepting some level of enslavement or nothing will work and everyone will suffer. And the disruption from ceasing the killing at birth of the Israelite males would wreak havoc on the demographic balance of the region. We all know the contours of the eventual agreement that will emerge. There’s no need to escalate and thus prolong the process of getting there, adding unnecessarily to the human and economic toll.”
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