After Retreat, Hezbollah Invites Corbyn To Proclaim They ‘Won the Argument’

“We and our far-left allies in the UK and Europe share a profound attachment to the unattainable.”

Beirut, July 29 – The Shiite militia that exerts de facto control of Lebanese politics on behalf of its Iranian masters asked the disgraced former leader of Britain’s Labour Party to help with the aftermath of a failed raid on Israel’s Golan Heights two days ago, in the hope that he will argue that, just as the party he helmed met ignominious electoral defeat but, he insisted, won the argument with Boris Johnson’s otherwise victorious Tory Party, Hezbollah may have suffered casualties and embarrassed itself in an incompetent attempt to avenge a previous humiliation at the hands of the IDF last week, but they did win the argument.

A Hezbollah squad of 3-5 men crossed into Israeli territory on Monday, according to Israeli military reports, only to come under small arms, tank, and artillery fire from the IDF. No Israeli casualties resulted from the incident, whereas Hezbollah has moved from an initial acknowledgement of the failed assault – in which it also insisted it suffered no losses – to an insistence that it conducted no such operation, and that Israel must still await retaliation for the killing of one of the group’s members in a strike last week. To shore up confidence among its loyal base in Lebanon, however, the organization invited MK Jeremy Corbyn to reassure its supporters that whatever my have happened Monday, Hezbollah delivered a compelling, convincing, and rhetorically triumphant argument against the Zionists.

“He’ll do that thing he does,” predicted Hezbollah spokesman Tawqin Awtama-Touhous. “It’s not coincidental that Mr. Corbyn called us and Hamas his ‘friends’ a number of years ago. Friends share more than ideology – in fact friends don’t have to share ideology; they share something else, something less tangible. In this case, while we see eye-to-eye with him and his political associates, something deeper unites us: a solid commitment to a hopeless, pointless, hate-filled cause that allows us to blame someone else for our failures and shortcomings, with Judaeophobia to taste. We and our far-left allies in the UK and Europe share a profound attachment to unattainable, Utopian visions: they, of dismantling the systems that govern the West to make room for the inevitable paradise that would follow, and we, of dismantling the Jewish state to our south as part of the effort to dismantle the West as well, to make room for the inevitable Islamic paradise that will follow, as it already exists wherever Islam holds sway: the perfect, blissful countries of Iran, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Yemen, Gaza, et al.”

“Holding on to the absolute vision and refusing to compromise or even to attempt to make the transition gradual – that allows all of us to preach the unimpeachable righteousness of our vision without having to worry about the dirty, complicated prospect of it actually happening. As long as you don’t try to implement it, it’s a winning argument.”

Please support our work through Patreon.