Aliens Admit Iran The Inspiration For Their Abduction Activities

“We’ve upped our intake of specimens, and finished in less than a third of the time.”

Tehran, March 2 – Residents of faraway worlds who visit Earth to kidnap people revealed today that it never would have occurred to them to develop the practice unless the Islamic Republic of Iran had blazed the trail of taking foreign hostages as a matter of policy.

Glorzuk Meeflebort (an approximate rendering of his name in human language) of the planet Zorb III, commander of a kidnapping vessel, told reporters this morning that it was only after observing Iran’s behavior and the fact that the country suffered little or no consequences for it – in fact that the West, and the Obama administration, even appeared to reward Iran for its hostage-taking – that it was deemed safe to begin capturing humans from Iowa cornfields.

Mr. (or possible Ms. –  the terms appear not to have real relevance to these life forms) Meeflebort sat with several journalists for an interview aboard his circular spaceship the research vessel Zlorb, which is close to completing its current kidnap-and-conduct-anal-probing-of-rural-Americans operation.

“It’s been a particularly successful mission,” recounted Meeflebort. “We used to be able to manage only a handful of abductions a month, because we were ultra-careful about trying not to be detected, or at least to restrict ourselves to abducting people with minimal credibility. But last year sometime we realized that if the American government and media, by and large, won’t say anything bad about Iran taking hostages and using them as bargaining chips, we should have nothing to worry about. So we upped our intake of specimens, and finished in less than a third of the time.”

The commander noted that representatives of other planets had also noticed the impunity enjoyed by Iran’s hostage-taking policy, and had similarly increased their abductions. “I was just consulting with Tarnac of Thwa’an, who told me they came to the same conclusion,” recalled Meeflebort. “This should be really helpful when the time comes for the next Intergalactic Anal-Probe Research Conference over in Andromeda. We can report we’re way ahead of the timetable for our research grant, and maybe attract even more funding for the next phase.” The alien decline to elaborate on the activities of the next phase, admonishing a reporter that divulging that information would spoil the surprise.

Meeflebort confessed that his favorite specimen was a white supremacist from Idaho, whom the laboratory personnel on board subjected to hallucinations of being a gay Jewish black man married to a half-Russian, half-Roma transsexual.

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