Allah’s Forehead Sore From Facepalms At Hamas Behavior

Heaven, August 1 – The supreme power in the universe, Allah, complained today that His brow hurts from all the times he has reacted with dismay and disbelief to the actions of those who claim to be his followers.

The One True God let His displeasure be known after Hamas, the Islamist terrorist organization that runs the Gaza Strip, exploited a UN-endorsed ceasefire specifically to attack and kidnap an Israeli soldier. The attack today, which represented the latest in a long series of ceasefires violated by Hamas in the current conflict, killed two Israeli soldiers in addition to the one taken hostage.

In a statement to the press, Allah noted that He may seek medical treatment for bruises and abrasions that occur every time Hamas and its ilk engage in barbarous behavior ostensibly in His name, when in fact He desires no such thing. “I wish for My creations to live first and foremost in peace, for peace is the path to Allah,” said the all-powerful One. “Those who believe they can bring peace through the sword must have camel feces for brains,” He added.

Other Islamist groups have also been at the root of Allah’s forehead irritation. ISIS, the group that has taken over large parts of Iraq and Syria, and is now threatening Jordan, has implemented a strict, repressive form of Islam on the areas under its control, causing the Lord to consider regretting various aspects of the visions He gave to the prophet Mohammed in the sixth century. “My vision for humanity is one of coming together to worship Me in myriad ways, which is why I spake unto Moses, Jesus, and Mohammed. This whole ‘my way or death’ quite irritating unto Me,” said Allah, rubbing His forehead.

“Oof. I gotta stop doing that. It’s really sore.”