Americans, Why Do You Need Elections AGAIN? Once Should Be Fine.

By Mahmoud Abbas, Palestinian President

I don’t get it. You Americans can’t seem to leave well enough alone. You had an election back in 2004, and again in 2008. You even had one in 2012, as if the two previous ones weren’t good enough. During that time, I haven’t had to hold another round of presidential voting – the one time I was elected in 2005 was more than sufficient. What kind of idiot country needs to vote on this thing again and again?

I’m telling you, it’s just asking for trouble. I’d be out of power for years already if I allowed free and fair elections any time in the last five to ten years. Bush and Obama obviously didn’t get the memo that they’d be able to stay in power for life, like me, or they would simply not hold new elections like it’s some addictive habit.

Just look at the discord plaguing American society right now, in the shadow of Election Day. Not just in the shadow of – directly because of Election Day. You wouldn’t be seeing any of this social unrest and political upheaval – not to mention heated rhetoric unprecedented in recent political history in the US – if Obama, or Bush before him, had just carried on as president, and there wouldn’t be a campaign on right now. It shouldn’t be a big deal. My election in 2005 was all my people need to keep me in power until I choose to step down, and I fail to see why you Yankees can’t follow my example.

Your political culture is so backward in that respect. Who can trust the people to make the right decisions? If I followed the will of the people, I’d be rotting in some unmarked grave after having my mutilated corpse dragged behind a Hamas motorcycle. The people can’t be relied upon to know what’s good for me them. If that’s the case for a few million Palestinians, it’s all the more so when it comes to three hundred million people, a nuclear arsenal, and the most powerful military in world history. It boggles the mind. What imbecile designed a system where the most sensitive, far-reaching decision, of whom to place in control of the country, is in the hands of the unpredictable masses? And what of the people who have had time to see how badly that works and keep letting those fools decide?

Take my lead, America. You don’t need to keep electing people. Once should be enough.

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