Amnesty International To Merge With Hamas

“It’s a natural synergy of goals and talents,” said an AI spokesman.

Gaza City, November 5 – One of the world’s most prominent organizations working to raise awareness of human rights violations and political repression will officially join forces with the Hamas movement, Amnesty International announced this morning.

The two organizations have collaborated for years already, leading the heads of both entities to explore ways in the two might merge into a single unit to streamline the operations of both and to avoid redundancies in the field. Hamas has enjoyed success over the last decade in highlighting the suffering of Gaza Strip residents and pinning the blame on Israel, while Amnesty has engaged in similar pursuits, often relying on Hamas-provided or Hamas-coached witnesses in preparing its reports to condemn Israel for whatever violations of international law it can think of.

Those explorations gave way over the summer to a trial period, in which the war with Israel played a central role. The smoothness with which representatives of Amnesty and Hamas worked together during the conflict convinced a critical number of decision-makers the idea was a winner, but it was the aftermath that once and for all demonstrated the feasibility and benefit of the venture, as Amnesty investigators and reporters effectively and efficiently took the selective or embellished data provided by Hamas and further massaged, edited, or interpreted it to vilify Israel to the maximum extent and exonerate Hamas.

The result of that pilot project is Amnesty’s most recent report on the conflict, a document that pointedly leaves out mention of even a single tunnel, despite Hamas’s extensive use of such passages for attacking Israel, storing weapons, accessing positions, and protecting operatives. Although the tunnel entrances were located in, under, or abutting civilian targets, the report goes to great lengths to excuse Hamas for placing civilians in danger and to place the blame squarely on Israel for the deaths of those civilians, and leaves out mention of the weapons caches and other military uses of the homes and facilities targeted by Israel.

“We’re excited to join with the Islamic Resistance Movement in furthering human rights and political freedom,” said Amnesty spokeswoman Anne Teisemijt. “This merger is more than two allies cementing their relationship – it’s a natural synergy of goals and talents.” Amnesty excels at reinterpreting international law to damn Israel’s self-defense, explained Teisemijt, while Hamas has proved equally adept at diverting attention from its own political repression and human rights violations.

Hamas spokesman Moussa Abu Marzouk said the Amnesty investigators would be absorbed immediately into Hamas’s array of endeavors. “Right now Amnesty can gain access to places we cannot, owing to the cursed Israeli blockade that only allows us to import goods with no obvious military application, an odious curtailment of our basic human right to massacre Jew – I mean Israelis,” he explained. “Non-Palestinian international personnel can help us investigate other issues, such as the disposition of Israeli day-care centers, schools, and other evil facilities beyond the border fence.”

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