An Interview With Allah

PreOccupied Territory caught up with the Almighty Creator and Ruler of the Universe, and chatted with Him about everything from societal trends to questions of epic historical significance. The following is condensed from the full-length interview.

PT: Thanks so much for agreeing to this interview. We understand it’s not an everyday thing, considering the myriad concerns on the divine agenda.

Allah: It’s important enough that I made time. Not just time for the interview. Time itself. Stop pretending it’s a big deal for Me to accommodate you.

PT: It was merely a pleasantry. Sorry. May we clarify some technical points before proceeding?

Allah: Sure.

PT: First off, the pronoun, thing. How important is it for us to stick with capitalizing the first letter of “him” or “you,” for example, in transcribing this?

Allah: I couldn’t care less.

PT: And use of the third person as a mark of deference?

Allah: Allah REALLY couldn’t care less. Please. There are vanishingly few contexts in which I desire for humans to defend My honor, and most of the time, when they think they’re doing so, they’re merely defending their ego-driven perception of what “offends” Me. Go with whatever makes you more comfortable.

PT: Thank You. We will. Is there something in particular with which You wish to begin?

Allah: Focaccia.

PT: Focaccia?

Allah: Focaccia. Always start with focaccia. If there’s anything I gave Italian culture, it’s kick-ass cuisine sensibilities. Would you like some?

PY: …We’re, uh, not hungry, but thanks.

Allah: Whatever floats your boat, pal. I see you insist on referring to yourself in the first-person plural.

PT: It’s just a journalistic convention.

Allah: And a laughable one at that. You’re one guy. You barely even curate article submissions anymore. At least you stopped using “we” and “us” on Twitter. That was insufferable.

PT: …

Allah: Not that I actually follow you actively on social media. I do follow that “God” account, though. He’s pretty funny.

PT: David Yaverbaum?

Allah: The very same. He gets repetitive with his mockery of human assumptions about Me, but that’s to be expected. I see YOU don’t follow him.

PT: I only follow about thirty people, most of them political. Can we get back to our interviewing You?

Allah: Only when I’m done pointing out your inconsistencies. In other words, never.

PT: …

Allah: Don’t take it so hard. Lighten up. I agreed to see you, didn’t I?

PT: Yes, and frankly, it came as quite the surprise.

Allah: Of course it did. If there’s anything that irritates Me, it’s people who expect Me to communicate with them in some special way. Or who declare they have some special capacity to represent My will. Here’s a little secret: if you feel compelled to announce it, that’s your arrogance talking. You might have noticed that such pronouncements tend to line up with your own quest for power, money, and control.

PT: So organized religion is… what?

Allah: It gets some things right. Community is really, really important, and nothing glues together disparate individuals better than the notion of working together for a divine purpose. And there are values worth dying for. Those are powerful things. Like sharing laughter.

PT: What doesn’t organized religion get right?

Allah: Exclusivity.

PT: Please explain.

Allah: I’m not looking to have everybody relate to Me in exactly the same way. I’m interested in billions of unique relationships, which is why none of you is like any other. So it’s downright tragic that so many of you think I want everyone negating their individuality to serve or worship Me in some uniform fashion, and that everyone else has it wrong – so wrong that you’ll go out and kill people over it.

PT: But You’re Allah – isn’t that what Islam is all about?

Allah: Depends what you mean by “all about.” It certainly serves a purpose, just not what its leaders think the purpose is.

PT: Then why do You tolerate such errors?

Allah: Why do I tolerate anything at all? I didn’t create everything just to have it spit back obedience automatically. That would be dull. I actually want unpredictability. I want process. I want there to be achievement, which necessitates the possibility of failure, of loss. And most of all, I want there to be humor.

PT: Humor?

Allah: Weren’t expecting that, were you? Of course not. Until you appreciate the absurdity that everything is a cosmic joke, you’re not going to get anywhere near a real relationship.

PT: Everything’s a joke?

Allah: Of course everything is a joke! Why should anything exist at all? If every action has an equal and opposite reaction, then creation of the universe should be immediately followed by the destruction of the universe – but it isn’t. Physical existence itself is absurd.

PT: So it’s meaningless??

Allah: No, it takes on heightened meaning! If there’s no assumption anything should exist at all, then every moment of existence becomes so precious. Use it well. Laugh. At yourself. At the ridiculousness of the self-important.

PT: Where does Muhammad fit into all of this?

Allah: Who?