Angels Keep Slamming Into Heavenly Windows

Foul play has not been disproved.

Heaven, January 18 – Supernal sources are reporting that the winged, angelic beings of this realm keep crashing into the pristine glass windows after assuming nothing is there.

Archangel Raphael, who oversees medical affairs, told journalists this morning that angel-window accidents have spiked to three per month after holding steady at fewer than two per year over the last seventy years. Raphael declined to specify whether Heavenly officials have determined the cause of the increase.

“We are still examining the statistics for clues, and may have some leads,” he allowed, “but at present it would be premature to declare we have isolated the source of the uptick in these accidents.” He added that putting up stickers or other warning markers would violate the bylaws governing Heavenly aesthetics.

Lower-level beings charged with analyzing the data proved similarly evasive, but several did mention avenues of inquiry that had been ruled out. “Demographic analysis has shown us, at least, that lawyers are unrepresented among the victims,” observed Metatron. “But that simply reflects the fact that there are vanishingly few lawyers up here.”

Metatron added that foul play has not been disproved, but he and his colleagues believe the scenario unlikely. “Odds are we just need to do a better job of educating our residents,” he remarked. “The increasing influence of millennials, for one thing, means everyone is paying less attention to what’s going on around them because they’re so absorbed with their tablets and whatnot. There aren’t that many millennials here yet, but a good number of those who have arrived got here earlier than they intended because of their own narcissistic idiocy. It makes me cringe to consider what this place will be like eighty or ninety years from now when the rest of the cohort comes through. We’d better get a more rigorous training component into our welcoming procedures if we want this to stop.”

One observer noted that the LORD Himself does on occasion try to spice up the serene bliss of this Edenic environment with the odd practical joke. “Most of the humor we enjoy here involves the antics of the folks still in embodied, earthly form,” commented the patriarch Isaac. “But every now and then the Holy One decides it’s too quiet up here and we find assemblies of the Heavenly Tribunal at which all the members of the Court find themselves having just sat on a whoopie cushion, for example. So I wouldn’t put it past God to be having a laugh at our expense. He did create us, after all, and, well, we are the joke.”

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