Angry Dad: IDF Won’t Rent Out Sniper To Use On Daughter’s Boyfriend

The father was heard to refer to several IDF officers by various unprintable names, and to question, inter alia, their parentage, masculinity, patriotism, morality, courage, intelligence, and mental stability.

Credit: Zachi Evenor

Kfar Sava, August 21 – A local father flew into a rage today upon discovering that the military would not allow him to pay for one of its snipers to take out his daughter’s boyfriend, neighbors reported today.

Kipyor Hanzoff, 51, was heard shouting obscenities this morning upon being informed that the Israel Defense Forces had refused his request to discreetly shoot the seventeen-year-old  currently dating Hanzoff’s sixteen-year-old daughter. In a tirade that reportedly lasted nearly twelve minutes, Hanzoff was heard to refer to several IDF officers – and the institution as a whole – by various unprintable names, and to question, inter alia, their parentage, masculinity, patriotism, morality, courage, intelligence, and mental stability.

The seventeen-year-old, whose name has been withheld because he is still a minor, has been dating Mr. Hanzoff’s daughter for three months, evidently despite her father’s objections. Neighbors, who asked not to be identified, recalled overhearing heated arguments between father and daughter on the subject, with the latter refusing to break up with her beau. “She’s always been as stubborn as her dad, so it wasn’t exactly surprising to hear her resist his attempts to, as she put it, control her life,” said a resident of the same apartment complex as the Hanzoffs. “There have been LOTS of slammed doors in that apartment since the romance began.”

Another neighbor attributed the father’s opposition to the relationship to the suitor’s appearance, which he has heard the elder Hanzoff characterize as clear evidence of the boy’s involvement in illegal drug use, theft, vandalism, and general disregard for others. “You should hear what he has to say about the boy’s piercing – tasteful if you ask me, but it’s not my daughter, you know?” said a woman who lives down the hallway from the family. “He’s called the guy a junkie, a hipster, scumbag, punk, addict, anarchist, communist, criminal, graffiti-sprayer, and any number of other things, and it’s always somehow connected to the guy’s longish hair, and sometimes just the fact that he’s in a band with three other guys who dress the same. I think they’re kind of cute, actually,” she confessed.

From snippets of conversation the neighbors have pieced together, Hanzoff evidently contacted an old army buddy and asked to be put in touch with a friend of the buddy’s friend serving in the elite Sayeret Matcal special forces unit, in the hopes that the commando friend would agree to get rid of the boyfriend “with extreme prejudice.” The sniper, however, refused, leading Hanzoff to loudly question what had become of the country’s military, whose job is, supposedly, to protect civilians such as his daughter, but who apparently no longer have the male parts he deems necessary for them do so properly.

At press time, Mr. Hanzoff was absentmindedly scratching the scar from an injury sustained when he was trying to circumvent the restrictions his father-in-law-to-be had placed on the future Mrs. Hanzoff specifically to keep him away from the girl.