Ants Undeterred By Oven-Cleaner Rampage

Spring has brought an entirely new clutch of ants that failed to learn the lesson he had aimed to impart to their predecessors.

Jerusalem, April 3 – A local homeowner’s efforts late last summer to demonstrate to a colony of arthropod invaders that he will not tolerate their presence on his property, to the point that he will douse every single one of them in caustic spray if they so much as cross onto his front porch from the street, appears to have had no lasting effect, the man reported today.

Gil Neumann, 50, disclosed this morning that the two hours he spent in September, killing every ant he could find in his house – most of them in the ground-floor bathroom, abutting the front wall of the structure through which the creatures has somehow crawled – with oven cleaner, and then moving outside to trail them back to their nest, spraying each one he found along the way, then the holes in the ground from which they emerged, for good measure, until not a thing stirred, that spring has brought an entirely new clutch of ants that failed to learn the lesson he had aimed to impart to their predecessors.

“I’m going to have to do it again,” he muttered in grim acknowledgement.

Neumann provided a detailed history of his encounters with the ants in and around his house. “We sometimes get them all the way upstairs because the girls take food up there, against the rules,” he began. “But those ants come in from down here. They appear in the kitchen if any food or food remainders get left around in warmer weather for any length of time. I’ve squashed, deluged, or otherwise disposed of more than anyone can count. But it was last summer that finally made me realize I had to teach those bugs a lesson once and for all.”

“There was a whole crowd of them on the bathroom wall,” he continued. “I squooshed some of them, but they kept coming, from behind a panel in the wall where the water supply comes into the house. We were out of the poison that had done a pretty good job the year before, so I decided I needed to take active measures instead. I grabbed the oven cleaner and just started spraying. They didn’t stand a chance. Then I went out and just doused those anthills in the stuff. Did that until nothing moved. That’s show the bastards not to come near my house. I mean business.”

This morning he admitted the gambit had failed. “They’re stupid,” he remarked, with a shake of the head. “Any intelligent species would know not to mess with me. This time I might have to use a blowtorch.”

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