Apes, Pigs To Muslims: ‘Leave Us Out Of This’

Nairobi, Kenya, April 27 – Tired of being invoked by Muslim firebrands as the ancestors of Jews, activists from the simian and porcine communities held a protest, calling on the followers of Muhammad to desist from bringing them into the discussion.

About ten thousand pigs and apes gathered in front of the Saudi Arabian embassy this morning for a demonstration objecting to the rhetoric. A series of speakers demanded that Muslim nations, as represented by Saudi Arabia, act to limit what the speakers called the “wanton” invocation of apes and pigs as insulting imagery.

“On top of the offensive assumption that there is anything shameful in being born to one of us,” said gorilla Osama Mashaal, “these so-called leaders seek to drag us into a conflict in which we have no interest, and to which we have nothing to contribute.” He expressed surprise that anyone would compare Jews to pigs, considering that the Muslim practice of abstaining from pork was taken from the Jews in the first place. A nearby group of chimpanzees and bonobos held a large banner that read, “Who’s Primitive?”

“We are here to register our displeasure with the disturbing trend of calling Jews our descendants,” said Hampshire Hog Fatma al-Maliki, holding aloft a “Pick On Someone Your Own Species” placard. “It makes us swine profoundly uncomfortable to think that the two cultures that have done the most to get people to stop slaughtering us for food would be the context for this insensitivity.”

Al-Maliki took pains to emphasize that she was not insulted to be associated with Jews. “It has nothing to do with Jews in particular,” she insisted. “Some of my best friends are…well, OK, that’s not true. I don’t know any Jews. But I would be just as insulted to be invoked against anyone else. Leave us out of your stupid conflict.”

Saudi embassy staff were quick to accuse Israel of organizing the demonstration. “Who else but the descendants of apes and pigs are capable of amassing apes and pigs to do their bidding? This is but the latest evidence that our foe is cunning and evil, exploiting animals for its own gain,” said Saudi envoy Kamel Fissis. He noted the precedents of Israel using birds of prey, sharks, and other creatures to spy on Arab countries.