Area Man Able To Interpret Woman’s Every Gesture As Consent

“Oh, she so wants me,” one witness heard Mr. Pitzek remark for approximately the four hundredth time after passing the receptionist.

Tel Aviv, September 26 – An employee at a local firm possesses the uncanny ability to understand each movement, sound, phrase, or facial expression by any female with whom he interacts – and some with whom he does not – in terms that indicate she desires him sexually, and grants him permission to act on that desire as soon as circumstances permit, area sources report.

Witnesses told journalists today that litigation attorney Ofer Pitzek, 39, can interpret any given woman’s actions as consenting to sex with him, with that ability at its most potent when he finds the woman in question attractive.

The junior partner at Holder & Tuczer, Ltd. has encountered upwards of fifteen thousand individual women since reaching puberty, observers note, and, with the exception of several close relatives of repulsive appearance, has used their words and gestures to conclude that they want nothing more in the world than to engage in sexual congress with him, and, were he to act on those signals, he would remain immune to harassment, assault, or rape allegations.

“Oh, she so wants me,” one witness heard Mr. Pitzek remark for approximately the four hundredth time after passing the receptionist on his way into the office Thursday morning. “Did you hear the way she said ‘Good morning?’ Man, if we weren’t both married, you can bet the two of us would be in a supply closet somewhere, bumping uglies.”

At a pretrial hearing yesterday, Pitzek convinced himself that the judge, a severe woman at least a decade his senior, could barely conceal her libidinous urges when she looked at him. “You should have been here at yesterday’s session,” he commented. “That gal kept licking her lips when addressing me, and I don’t think it had anything to do with the dry air.”

The attorney’s colleagues and superiors also feature in his propensity to arrive at flattering interpretations of their interactions: at his initial interview with the firm, he understood the female interviewer’s enthusiasm for his record and recommendations as personal interest bordering on lust, and that only professional considerations prevented her from jumping him right there in her office.

Pitzek’s ability to interpret female gestures as indicative of desire for him has yet to get him in professional or criminal trouble, a fact that surprises analysts. “He’s either enjoying quite the lucky streak, or it’s all just bravado,” stated Nomi Nzno, who studies sexual harassment and assault issues. “It may well be that he believes his Don Juan-like capacity really exists, and simply lacks the courage to act on it. Which is actually fortunate, in a way, for the women who interact with him, since they never need to encounter that side of him and be made to feel uncomfortable or pressured.”

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