Armenian Genocide Victims Ask What Palestinians Have Been Smoking

Istanbul, May 21 – Armenians mass-murdered by Turks during and immediately following the First World War are expressing disgust and shock at Palestinian claims that Israel targets them for genocide, and wonder what controlled substances the Palestinians have been ingesting or otherwise putting in their systems that would account for such a distorted take on reality.

Representatives of the approximately 1.5 million Christian Armenians who were systematically driven from their homes, starved, burned, shot, and otherwise sent to certain death from 1915-23 are saying that no sane person would confuse the plight of Palestinians with the genocidal policies of the dying Ottoman Empire’s ‘Young Turk’ movement, which saw the Armenian community in what is today eastern Turkey as a security risk owing to their assumed sympathy for an encroaching Russian empire. Only some mind-altering substance can explain the use of such terminology as ‘genocide,’ they note.

“I’m looking for the evidence that Israel hunts down and eliminates the leading Palestinian intellectuals by the hundreds – or even the dozens,” says Viktor Krimian, who was hacked to death in 1916 by a Kurdish gang as the Sultan’s soldiers looked on. “But I see nothing of the sort, not to mention no concentration camps, no burning of entire villages, and no forced marches into the Syrian desert with no supplies, facing the abuse and rampant rape by the soldier-thugs escorting the marches.”

“So are they under the influence of hallucinogens?” wonders Krimian, who expected the allegations of Israeli genocide to be backed up with something more than hateful rumors. “Some geological activity can produce gases that, when inhaled, produce an altered state of mind – do they have those in that area?”

The Armenian Genocide is considered the first such event of the twentieth century, second only to the Holocaust in the attention it receives from historians. In many important ways the Armenian Genocide anticipated the Nazi Final Solution in its use of, for example, concentration camps, railroad cattle cars, medical experimentation on prisoners, and the use of local paramilitary proxies to help with the ethnic cleansing. Historians not on an LSD trip have found no indication that any such efforts have ever characterized Israeli treatment of Palestinians.

Maria Zilçani, who lost all three daughters to starvation on such a death march and was repeatedly raped by the Turkish soldiers and the townspeople along the way from Turkey to Aleppo, Syria, suggests that the Palestinians have been taking PCP, which might also account for their thinking that specifically targeting noncombatants constitutes a valid method of conducting a political conflict. “Really, only such a powerful drug would cause someone to confuse my experience with theirs, and to consider that inflicting the same experience on someone else might be a good idea,” she added, referring to the drumbeat of Palestinian rhetoric that calls for the brutal elimination of Jews and Israel.

“I don’t know what they’ve been smoking, but I’d love to try some,” she said from her unmarked grave near Aleppo, where she succumbed to cholera in 1917. “It might help me take my mind off that fact that thousands of people here in Syria are dying in much the same fashion as my family and friends while the international community does diddly-squat about it.”