Assad Again Uses Poison Gas; ‘Oh, That Basher,’ Chuckles World

“Oh, that Basher,” they chuckled and shook their heads. “He doesn’t play by anyone else’s rules.”

Aleppo, September 7 – Embattled Syrian President Basher Assad’s forces deployed chemical weapons against insurgents in this ancient city once more this week, prompting the international community to laugh at the man’s continuing disregard for what most others consider proper behavior.

“Oh, that Basher,” they chuckled and shook their heads. “He doesn’t play by anyone else’s rules.”

The Syrian Civil War, now in its sixth year, has seen ups and downs for the Assad regime, but with Iranian and Russian assistance, and a total flouting of international warfare standards that bar the use of poison gas and other chemical or biological agents, the ophthalmologist-turned-dictator has all but cemented his place as the leader of whatever Syrian state emerges from the carnage. In the process, he has presided over massacres, torture, mass executions, and brutal battlefield tactics that have so far left hundreds of thousands of Syrians dead and millions more displaced. In response, the world has smiled, nodded, and noted that they’ve come to expect such unconventional antics from everyone’s favorite genocidal uncle.

“He’s a character, that Basher,” observed a grinning US Secretary of State John Kerry. “There he was, dutifully complying with our demand to ship out his chemical weapons stockpile three years ago, and wouldn’t you know it, he’s got more! He sure got us. Sometimes you just have to tip your hat to a guy who can keep pranking you even when you’ve been primed for years to be wary of his shenanigans.”

“I just want to see what he’ll come up with next,” gushed Russian President Valdimir Putin. “I’ve never felt especially close to the guy, but he keeps me guessing, and keeps me curious about what he’ll pull next. Barrel bombs were an unexpected surprise – certainly for the people on the receiving end, but even for jaded observers such as I – and that got me thinking, ‘This is a fellow you have to keep an eye on.’ Such a kidder.”

International organizations gave similar responses. “We’re going to introduce a resolution at the Human Rights Council showing appreciation for President Assad’s feisty prosecution of this campaign,” said Sudanese delegate Mgonna Shootju. “Our President [Omar] Bashir already sent kudos to Mr. Assad, saying he can only marvel at the man’s edgy comedic prowess. President Bashir could never pull off such things and have the world laugh – they’re more likely to indict him in the International Criminal Court for crimes against humanity.”