Assad Wondering Why Orlando Shooter Used Guns, Not Barrel Bombs

“Guns have nowhere near the effectiveness of the bombs in terms of raw killing capacity.”

Damascus, June 13 – The government of Syria issued its official statement this morning on yesterday’s Orlando nightclub shooting, including President Basher Assad’s expression of puzzlement at the gunman’s choice of firearms over the much more efficient barrel bomb so beloved of the Syrian regime’s forces.

“I hereby express my shock at such violence, blah blah blah, which the US as a society deserves for its meddling in other countries’ affairs,” said the statement from Assad’s palace. “The incident raises many troubling questions, most prominent of all the mystery of why Omar Mir Seddique Mateen armed himself not with a gasoline-filled explosive barrel, but with two guns, which have nowhere near the effectiveness of the bombs in terms of raw killing capacity.”

Mateen, who was killed when authorities stormed the premises, shot more than a hundred people at Pulse, a nightclub popular with the LGBT community in Orlando, resulting in the deaths of 50 and injuries to 53 more. The massacre was the deadliest shooting attack in US history, and the deadliest terrorist attack on US soil since September 1, 2001. While police and FBI investigators have yet to piece together the timing of all the killings, Assad emphasized that it would have taken much less time to achieve that death and casualty toll with a single well-aimed barrel bomb than the nearly four hours the 29-year-old Islamic State sympathizer spent holed up in the building with victims and hostages.

“High-capacity magazines are fine for certain purposes, but my military has not spent years perfecting the barrel bomb to have its innovations callously disregarded in favor of such primitive techniques and weapons,” said Assad. “Not only that, but politically, there is no movement in the US to ban barrel bombs the way there is to ban assault weapons. As far as my administration is concerned, this should have been a no-brainer.”

A spokesman for the president said his government was considering ways of assisting pioneering individuals such as Mateen make better choices. “Technically the Islamic State and the government of Syria are at war, but in practice the two sides of been avoiding serious confrontation for some time, and in some ways are allies,” explained A-Dam Shaym. “President Assad believes he is in a unique position of being able to offer advice and technical assistance to aspiring men such as Mr. Mateen, though it is too late for that young man. With the right information and resources, future Omar Mateens will be able to accomplish much more.”