The feat bests the previous record forty-eight hours, set in 2008, by a family in Skokie, Illinois. Jerusalem, April 4 – Officials from Guinness World Records confirmed a new mark today upon certifying that the children of a local family are still ...
Read More »Author Archives: Swidler
Feed SubscriptionFizzling “March Of Return” Leaves Joint List Short Of Recruitment Goals
“Exactly none of the dead come from a demographic that would join a Zionist, or even Jewish, party, and I think we all know why that is.” Umm el-Fahm, April 3 – Officials from the parties composing the political alliance ...
Read More »Logistical Problems: Only Some Hamas Units Equipped With Human Shields
“What am I supposed to do, send our fighters out to confront enemy soldiers while not violating six or seven laws of armed conflict?” Gaza City, March 28 – Tension gripped the Izzedin al-Qassam Brigades this week in advance of ...
Read More »BDS Advocate Has Already Won Like 6 Arguments In His Head During Shower
Actual humans do not make the same straw-man contentions as his mental interlocutors. New York, March 28 – A college student who spends time haranguing administrators, faculty, and fellow students to support divestment from Israel and boycott of the Israeli ...
Read More »Obama Gifts Iran With Echo Chamber Used In Pushing Nuke Deal
“What more fitting gesture could there be to demonstrate that appreciation than the very item that served us so well in selling the deal to the American public?” Chicago, March 27 – The president who engineered the nuclear pact with ...
Read More »Bribes To Female Judges Only 70% Of Bribes To Male Counterparts
“That’s a disturbing indication of what’s wrong with our society.” Tel Aviv, March 20 – A troubling new study points to systemic discrimination in Israel so deep that women judges receive, on average, bribes that are almost a third lower ...
Read More »Jews Don’t Control the Weather? What Do You Call The Ten Plagues?
by Trayon White, Washington, DC Council member Listen, I know it was bad form to engage in antisemitic tropes and portray the Jews as a monolithic, sinister, all-powerful group. I apologized – of course I apologized; it would be wrong ...
Read More »Israel Discloses It Destroyed Syrian Stockpile Of Nickelback Songs
Nickelback was stored in multiple places around Syria, and a coordinated effort of intelligence, air power, and other assets was necessary to ensure near-simultaneous destruction. Tel Aviv, March 22 – Officials at the Ministry of Defense revealed today that it ...
Read More »Man Can’t Fathom How Ancestors Survived Without Kosher-For-Passover Breakfast Cereal
“What did they even eat?” Great Neck, March 21 – A resident of this town on Long Island’s north shore voiced bewilderment today upon discovering that the kosher-for-Passover versions of popular breakfast cereals were unavailable in ancient Israel, medieval Europe, eighteenth-century ...
Read More »Driverless Car Drives Off Cliff When Passenger Puts Barry Manilow On Repeat
“The passenger apparently subjected the vehicle to one or two more iterations of ‘Copacabana’ than any being can handle.” Maale Adummim, March 21 – An automated vehicle destroyed itself and its human cargo this morning by careening through a roadside ...
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