By Harriet Tubman It’s tough here, on the Underground Railroad, but this is the struggle I’ve chosen, and this is my mission. I rely on many others to succeed, and it’s truly a shame that I’ll have to wait decades ...
Read More »Author Archives: Swidler
Feed SubscriptionGullible Egyptians Still Think Israelite Exodus Visible From Space
“No human phenomenon is visible from space, at least not at this point in world history.” Memphis, January 24 – Credulous inhabitants of Pharaoh’s kingdom continue to maintain that the dramatic departure of the Israelite slave population from the country ...
Read More »New Book Tells All About Time-Traveling Bodyguard Of Baby Hitler
“No one ever stopped to consider other ways of preventing the Holocaust, such as preventing Hitler’s parents from meeting, or arranging his acceptance to art school.” Tel Aviv, January 24 – Publishing house Kinneret-Zmora-Bitan announced today it has secured the ...
Read More »Models Adding ‘Jew-Hate’ To CVs In Hopes Of Landing Cosmetics Gigs
“Oh, no, I haven’t made a single anti-Israel or anti-Jew Instagram post,” fretted McKayla Murphy, 21. Paris, January 23 – Women aspiring to land prominent roles in representing manufacturers of beauty products rushed to update their resumés this week after ...
Read More »Sarsour Promises Vaginas Confiscated From Hirsi Ali, Gabriel To Ahed Tamimi
The Tamimi clan has yet to offer a formal response; the couple was too busy fielding expressions of support for cousin Ahlam, accomplice to the slaughter of 15 people in a 2001 bombing. Tel Aviv, January 23 – A prominent Palestinian-American activist who styles ...
Read More »Abbas To Hire People For Rally To Mark 14th Year Of His 4-Year Term
In the interest of free speech, members of the rival organization Hamas will be barred from attending. Ramallah, January 22 – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas completed thirteen years of his four-year term as president two weeks ago, and will pay ...
Read More »Mossad’s ‘Operation: Get Them To Eat Detergent’ Declared A Success
Officials declined to elaborate on the mechanism by which American youth have been made to think ingesting poisonous soap is an acceptable pastime. Tel Aviv, January 22 – Section heads at Israel’s secret intelligence organization shared congratulatory handshakes and plaudits ...
Read More »Heliocentrism Is Wrong: The World Revolves Around Palestinians
By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian Authority; President, State of Palestine; Chairman, Fatah; Chairman, Palestine Liberation Organization As a devout Muslim I have always maintained that any model of the universe with the sun at the center of our planetary system ...
Read More »Angels Keep Slamming Into Heavenly Windows
Foul play has not been disproved. Heaven, January 18 – Supernal sources are reporting that the winged, angelic beings of this realm keep crashing into the pristine glass windows after assuming nothing is there. Archangel Raphael, who oversees medical affairs, ...
Read More »Utility Happy To Return Money It Collected ‘In Error’ If You Waste More Time, Money On Asking
“We monitor our customer satisfaction metrics all the time to ensure we’re not letting anyone outside our circle of cronies experience any.” Jerusalem, January 18 – A company that charged your account far in excess of what you owed them ...
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