Included in the ruling are humans, many of whom are descended from slaves once owned by Muslims. Jedda, December 20 – A religious official in this major Saudi city issued a ruling today that all money in the world belongs ...
Read More »Author Archives: Swidler
Feed SubscriptionCannibal Excited After Hearing About Shelter For Battered Women
“Not sure what their business model is – not that I’m complaining.” Jaffa, December 19 – An area enthusiast of consuming human flesh admitted today he was anxious to sample the wares at a local facility that houses battered women, ...
Read More »US Declares Palestinians No Longer Have Role In Mideast Peace
“We no longer see Palestinian participation as a positive element.” Washington, December 18 – Trump administration officials voiced their frustration with the continued refusal of Palestinians representatives to play a constructive role in negotiations with Israel over a final status ...
Read More »Netanyahu Agrees To Make Israel Socialist, Bans Opposition Parties
The prime minister gave a specific nod to Socialist Venezuela, where the opposition has been similarly banned. Jerusalem, December 13 – Bowing to ongoing criticism from the left of Israel’s political spectrum, Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu agreed today to implement ...
Read More »Palestinians Struggling To Keep Up With What Day Of Rage About This Time
“It’s hard to get behind a generic ‘I don’t like this’ orgy of violence,” explained Mustafa Massikr, 19. Ramallah, December 13 – Youths in the Palestinian-administered territories admitted uncertainty today regarding the specific offense they are meant to be resisting via ...
Read More »IDF Put Hormones In Water, Gave Palestinian Youths Awkward Boners To Keep Them Home On ‘Day Of Rage’
A smirking IDF spokesman denied knowledge of the phenomenon. Ramallah, December 14 – Palestinian public health officials reported today that an unusual spike in the number of adolescent and young adult males seeking treatment for unusually persistent erections over the last ...
Read More »I Could Establish A Palestinian State, But Then What Would I Do? Govern?
By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian Authority; Chairman, Palestine Liberation Organization All those well-meaning diplomats and politicians urging Palestinians to make peace with Israel, or at least sit down to negotiations, miss one crucial point: without perpetuation of the conflict, I ...
Read More »Muscular Man Resents Being Pigeonholed As Hagbahah-Only Guy
“I’m getting a little sick of it.” Jerusalem, December 13 – An athletic, toned worshiper at a local synagogue has grown tired of his default role as the one who raises the open Torah scroll to show congregants the reading, ...
Read More »Media Settle On 35:1 Ratio For Stories On Palestinians Vs. Israelis As Victims
Some members of the FPA worried that they might not be able to adhere to the 35:1 guideline. Jerusalem, December 13 – Several weeks of deliberation among bureau chiefs of foreign media organizations have resulted in a joint decision to ...
Read More »Swedish Court: Firebombing Synagogues Is Protected Speech
Jewish advocates voiced frustration at the judge’s ruling. Gothenburg, December 12 – A magistrate in this Scandinavian city has ruled that the perpetrators of two Molotov cocktail attacks against Jewish houses of worship in the last three days may not be prosecuted under criminal ...
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