By the LORD Jeremiah, go forth and call out to the ears of Jerusalem, saying, “Thus saith the LORD: I remember for you the lovingkindness of thy youth, the love of thy newlywed days, when thou followed me in the ...
Read More »Author Archives: Swidler
Feed SubscriptionIn Next Conflict, IDF To Spray Marijuana Smoke Over Hamas, Hezbollah
“This is a poetic moment,” declared Minister of Defense Avigdor Liberman. “THC was first isolated by Israeli scientists decades ago.” Kibbutz Zikkim, September 6 – Defense officials came to this community abutting the border with the Gaza Strip today to ...
Read More »Report: That’s What They WANT You To Think
They want you to succumb to conspiracy theories because it dumbs you down. Jerusalem, September 7 – Government documents obtained by journalists today reveal that what you have concluded from the information provided to you on earlier occasions matches with what ...
Read More »Staffer: Obama Didn’t Intervene In Syria Genocide B/c Victims Wouldn’t Vote Democrat Anyway
“Syrian civilians just aren’t an important voting demographic, so they got the shaft.” Washington, September 7 – Retraction of a report by the Holocaust Museum that whitewashed President Obama’s inaction to prevent Syrian regime forces from continuing to commit mass ...
Read More »Review: The Harvested Palestinian Organs Cookbook
by Ali Latdam Review by PreOccupied Territory Staff The Harvested Palestinian Organs Cookbook purports to be the first of its kind, and to some degree that holds true: no one else has yet compiled a cookbook consisting only and specifically ...
Read More »Six Flags Introduces ‘Punch A Nazi In The Mouth’ Game
Initial popularity has proved promising, as most players do not even ask for prizes or prize tickets. Jackson, New Jersey, September 6 – One of the largest theme park operators in the world has installed a new feature in its gaming ...
Read More »Reciting The Talmud Backwards Reveals Words ‘Rav Ashi Is Dead’
Denials of the reports have only fueled speculation of a sweeping coverup and efforts to dig up more evidence. Sura, September 5 – Rumors are swirling in this Mesopotamian city that the venerable scholar who runs the prestigious academy has been ...
Read More »Is It Blame-Jews-For-Cutting-Down-My-Olive-Trees Season Yet?
By Dibbah Zeitoun In agriculture, we live our lives by the seasons. The rhythms of the climate guide us in what activities to pursue: when to irrigate, when to sow, when to plow, what to harvest, and when to cut ...
Read More »Man Who Lives In Bunker Calls Israel Scared Of Missiles
“The Zionist cowards soil themselves in fright at our military prowess,” boasted Nasrallah, who hides behind multiple layers of security and keeps his schedule secret to prevent attempts on his life. Beirut, September 4 – The leader of an Iran-backed militia that ...
Read More »Zoabi: Arrests Of Palestinian Stabbers ‘Stifling Their Freedom Of Expression’
“Perhaps somebody should remind them what freedom of expression entails, maybe by firing rockets at them from the Gaza Strip.” Umm el-Fahm, September 3 – A firebrand Arab-Israeli parliamentarian has waded into controversy again, remarking Sunday that when Israeli security ...
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