“We cannot allow this man to continue to poison the minds of our children.” Nablus, July 25 – Parents and students at the Yasser Arafat Primary School expressed outrage today that a fourth-grade teacher at the institution now refuses to excuse missed ...
Read More »Author Archives: Swidler
Feed SubscriptionLet’s Breach Jerusalem’s Walls So Entitled Whiners Have To Fast Thousands Of Years From Now
By Nevuzaradan, Babylonian General Men, we’re on the brink of a breakthrough. One final push today and we can breach the fortifications of Jerusalem. These Jews have given Emperor Nebuchadnezzar more than a handful’s worth of trouble for years already, ...
Read More »Lacking Jews To Blame, Residents Of Exoplanet Forced To Solve Own Problems
“We’re not blessed the way Earth is with a minority that can be conveniently and universally blamed for all ills.” Kepler-62f, Lyra constellation, July 24 – The inhabitants of this rocky spheroid in orbit around the star Kepler-62 have been ...
Read More »Free Meretz Membership To Anyone Alive Last Time They Had Power
“I see this drive as a metaphor for our situation and our aspirations.” Tel Aviv, July 20 – Leaders of the left-wing party Meretz launched a new membership drive today to bolster the movement’s stagnant rolls, promising to exempt from ...
Read More »Jews Of Iran Free To Hold Any Political Views The Government OKs
“The openness of Iranian authorities to free Jewish political and religious expression far outstrips that of neighboring Jordan, Bahrain, and Saudi Arabia.” Meshed, Islamic Republic of Iran, July 19 – The approximately twenty thousand Jews living in Iran today enjoy religious ...
Read More »Tenth Annual Misunderstanding Judaism Conference Kicks Off
Several large Christian congregations sent delegations to the fair to reinforce the myths their communities have always assumed to be true. New York, NY – The Jacob Javits Convention Center was filled to capacity on Sunday as thousands of non-Jews ...
Read More »Angels Don’t Know If They Can Trust Abraham’s Kashrut
“We can probably rely on him just this once without inquiring whether everything is Badatz.” Oaks of Mamre – The trio of divine messengers tasked with engaging Abraham’s hospitality and informing him he will father a son with his wife ...
Read More »Vegan Groups Denounce McDonald’s Ads As Incitement To Murder
“Have your Bic Mac with a side – with a side of genocide!” Tel Aviv, July 21 – Advocates for a ban on the consumption of animal flesh criticized the fast-food chain McDonald’s today for encouraging its customers to promote ...
Read More »Leningrad Appalled At Use Of Word ‘Siege’ To Describe Gaza
“Are bakeries in Gaza using a mixture of half flour and half sawdust?” Leningrad, Soviet Russia, July 20 – Residents of this city on the Baltic besieged by the Wehrmacht voiced outrage today upon being informed that Palestinian advocates would ...
Read More »We Could Attack In Groups And They’d Still Call Us Lone Wolves
By Mustafa Rehzi, ISIS Recruiter Men, we have met the enemy and they are confused. Those Western infidel pigs cannot decide whether they are at war. That makes it easier for us to plan attacks, but it diminishes some of ...
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