“My app probably crashed from the weight of occurrences of the word ‘moral’ alone.” Natanya, July 3 – The Facebook profile of an area resident became crushed today after sustaining too many posts about the passing of Nobel Peace Prize ...
Read More »Author Archives: Swidler
Feed SubscriptionStudy: Punishment Only Collective When Jews Impose It
Punishment is eight hundred times more likely to be “collective” when the negative treatment occurs at the hand of Jews. Davos, July 3 – A group of researchers examining the nature of Newtonian principles has discovered an ontological anomaly in ...
Read More »NJ Lawmakers To Take Turns Giving Wedgies To BDS Advocates
“Some issues are too important to be subjected to partisan politics.” Trenton, June 29 – As part of a legislative package passed on Monday that barred the state pension fund from investing in companies that boycott Israel, New Jersey General ...
Read More »Netanyahu Pretty Sure He Was Supposed To Get Primae Noctis
Unless specifically overridden by Israeli legislation, pre-existing laws from prior sovereignties are still in force under the current system, noted constitutional experts. Jerusalem, June 29 – Seven years into his current tenure as prime minister, Binyamin Netanyahu is still searching ...
Read More »The Pigeons Are Crapping All Over Everything In This Goddamn Ark
By Noah, Son of Lemech When I agreed to take on the task of preserving all the land-based life in the world, I expected some difficulty. It cannot be easy to tend to countless species, to keep predators and prey ...
Read More »Bir Zeit Mathematics Students Aim To Prove Equivalence Of Terrorists, Victims
“My friends and I realized there is no better time than right now to get started on this project,” said Stabr. Ramallah, June 30 – Undergraduate researchers at this institution north of the Palestinian capital have launched a project aimed ...
Read More »Isaiah Unsure What Part Of ‘House Of Prayer For All Nations’ People Don’t Get
“Anyone ever heard of standing up to evil?” Jerusalem, June 29 – The Hebrew prophet Isaiah voiced exasperation today following the Israel Police’s decision to bar all non-Muslims from the Temple Mount for the remainder of the month of Ramadan ...
Read More »Palestinian Architect Can’t Find Israeli Schools’ Rocket Storage Areas
“If there’s anything my career as an architect in Gaza has taught me, it’s that hospitals and schools by nature double as weapons storage facilities.” Kfar Blum, June 29 – A member of a group of construction professionals from Gaza visiting ...
Read More »Egypt’s ‘Iron Pyramid’ System To Intercept Locusts, Hail
Pharaoh chose those plagues because they are the most likely to recur. Memphis, June 28 – Military engineers have been working day and night to develop technology for shielding the country against enemy plagues, a spokesman for pharaoh’s palace told ...
Read More »In Compromise, Obama To Ban Muslim Guns
Firearms are shielded by the Second Amendment, not the First. Washington, June 27 – This morning, President Obama ordered the immediate implementation of a ban on all firearms of the Muslim persuasion from entering the US, following weeks of tension ...
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