By Saeb Erekat, Palestinian Negotiator It’s great to feel like the world has your back, it really is. International support has sustained the Palestinian cause for several generations now, and we appreciate it. But I must admit it’s a mite ...
Read More »Author Archives: Swidler
Feed SubscriptionHeaven Announces Plan To Pave Paradise, Put Up Parking Lot
Administrators may not know the true inventory until it has been removed. Eden, August 27 – A divine spokesangel announced a new development plan for the supernal realms today, with the primary change involving the transfer of Heaven to a different, ...
Read More »Abbas Asks Arab States For More Funding Toward Villas
“Without multiple impressive homes, what is the point of a leadership position?” Ramallah, August 26 – As unemployment soars and Gaza reconstruction has yet to get in gear, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas made another impassioned plea to Arab nations today ...
Read More »Israel Makes Green Line Red So Obama Will OK Crossing It
“I’m surprised they didn’t think of this several years ago when Obama first let Assad cross red lines,” said commentator Chava Daum. Tel Aviv, August 26 – Israeli publishers will begin printing the 1949 cease-fire lines with Egypt and Jordan ...
Read More »Mossad Also Recruiting Octuple-Agent Octopuses
The creatures allegedly feign combat operations against Israeli targets while in fact conducting espionage for the Mossad and Israeli military intelligence. Kissufim, Israel, August 25 – The recent reports of Hamas capturing a dolphin that had been trained and equipped ...
Read More »Barak Grins, Rubs Palms Together, Updates MySpace Profile
“It makes sense to harness the enduring appeal of MySpace for that purpose.” Savyon, Israel, August 24 – Just a day after the release of recordings supposedly revealing the last-minute abortion of three strikes on Iran while he served as ...
Read More »Europeans Kinda Hoped For Richer African Migrants
“Isn’t Africa teeming with, like, diamonds?” Bratislava, Slovakia, August 24 – The influx of refugees and others seeking a better life to the north of the Mediterranean has sparked talk of a crisis in Europe, as hundreds of thousands of ...
Read More »I Emphatically Deny My E-mail Is Not In The Ashley Madison Database
By Binyamin Netanyahu Many a reputation has been sullied by the release of the e-mail addresses from the extramarital affairs website Ashley Madison. I, however, refuse to let the list define my character: The content of that database notwithstanding, I ...
Read More »Congregation Keeps Clicking ‘Skip Ad’ Before Torah Reading
Demand for the advertising space has dried up, and the revenue stream is all but gone. Lafayette, LA, August 23 – An attempt to generate much-needed revenue amid shrinking membership rolls at a local synagogue has hit a snag, as advertisers ...
Read More »Carter To Seek Cancer Treatment In Gaza: ‘No Jewish MDs There’
“Mr. Carter’s good friend is a Norwegian physician who has spent quite a bit of time in Gaza, and assured him that the place is teeming with radioactive fragments from Israel’s profligate use of depleted uranium artillery.” Plains, Georgia, August ...
Read More »