Jerusalem, October 1 – Police officials announced today that the vast majority of potential successors to the police commissioner have been eliminated from contention, ruling out everyone but a turnip in the Machane Yehuda market. Corruption scandals and incompetence have ...
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Feed SubscriptionLacking Mannequins, Hamas EMT Trainees To Shoot People, Treat Them
Gaza City, September 30 – The bevy of supply restrictions facing residents of this coastal territory has taken their toll on various civil services, including paramedics, who, in the absence of dummies, must now resort to injuring people in order ...
Read More »War On Terror Not Actually A War, Technically, Sort Of
Washington, September 29 – So is it a war? The US bombed Syria? Finally! Wait, what? Not Assad? OK, we’re officially confused.
Read More »After Bridging NY-Boston Rivalry, Jeter To Mediate Mideast Conflict
Boston, September 29 – Following an outpouring of appreciation once deemed impossible from fans of a hated rival, the outgoing shortstop of the New York Yankees has been appointed Special Envoy to the Middle East. He will use his powers ...
Read More »Obama Now An Authority On What Is, Is Not Islam
New York, September 28 – Muslims around the world are shifting their religious allegiances on matters of doctrine, say experts, as a result of US President Barack Obama’s obvious expertise in their spiritual affairs, which he demonstrated last week by ...
Read More »Sponsor Of Terrorism Welcomes Efforts To Fight Terrorism
Damascus, Syria, September 23 – The leader of a state deeply enmeshed in the support and arming of groups violently targeting civilian populations as a means of achieving political aims told visiting dignitaries today that he backs US-led efforts to ...
Read More »Abraham Arrested After Nearly Sacrificing Son
Beersheba, the Land of Canaan – Canaanite authorities have placed Abraham under arrest today, alleging that he recklessly endangered the life of his son by almost sacrificing the child to the LORD. Abraham, a father of two residing in the ...
Read More »Report: Interior Ministry Supposed To Be Doing More Than Home Decor
Jerusalem, September 23 – An audit by the State Comptroller has revealed that the Ministry of the Interior has apparently been misunderstanding its mission, and has restricted itself to managing home and office decor when its actual mandate involves local government, citizenship and residency, ...
Read More »With Supply Now Infinite, Cats Classified As Renewable Resource
Jerusalem, September 22 – The exploding population of feral cats in Israel has prompted the Ministry of Environmental Protection to declare the animals a renewable resource, clearing the way to harvest them and use them in myriad ecologically friendly projects, ...
Read More »Even We Can’t Keep Track Of All Our Conspiracies Anymore
By the International Zionist Conspiracy The twenty-first century is a pretty complex place. The world is teeming with more than seven billion souls, with international and domestic crises to manage absolutely everywhere. As you can imagine, the level of International ...
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