PreOccupied Territory The News In Advance. Barely.

By The Lord Your God The morning after the Day of Atonement, you’re feeling pretty good abut yourself. Yesterday was tough, but you managed to get through the fast, to make a sincere attempt at changing for the better, and ...

London, October 4 – The latest instance of the Islamic State’s use of beheading to intimidate the West serves as evidence that the technique no longer carries the novelty it once did, news outlets reported this weekend, and in fact ...

Washington, DC, October 2 – The agency charged with protecting the president continued to suffer a public relations black eye this week after it emerged that President Obama was allowed to meet with a known terrorist. On September 24 the ...

Jerusalem, October 2 – A Jerusalem resident intends to launch a cat off the roof of his apartment building this Saturday to commemorate an ancient Jewish atonement rite involving goats. Gidon Levi, 40, will partially reenact the Biblical scapegoat ritual ...

Woodmere, NY, October 1 – The Jewish communities of Long Island’s Five Towns area are in an uproar over a local synagogue’s initiative to link individual member families with specific inmates in Israel’s prison system incarcerated for engaging in terrorist ...

Jerusalem, October 1 – Police officials announced today that the vast majority of potential successors to the police commissioner have been eliminated from contention, ruling out everyone but a turnip in the Machane Yehuda market. Corruption scandals and incompetence have ...

Gaza City, September 30 – The bevy of supply restrictions facing residents of this coastal territory has taken their toll on various civil services, including paramedics, who, in the absence of dummies, must now resort to injuring people in order ...

Washington, September 29 – So is it a war? The US bombed Syria? Finally! Wait, what? Not Assad? OK, we’re officially confused.

Boston, September 29 – Following an outpouring of appreciation once deemed impossible from fans of a hated rival, the outgoing shortstop of the New York Yankees has been appointed Special Envoy to the Middle East. He will use his powers ...

New York, September 28 – Muslims around the world are shifting their religious allegiances on matters of doctrine, say experts, as a result of US President Barack Obama’s obvious expertise in their spiritual affairs, which he demonstrated last week by ...