“Israel didn’t figure into such behavior a hundred or two hundred years ago. We just have a fig leaf for it now, and that feels good.” New York, December 15 – A man arrested today for multiple assaults of Hasidim in Brooklyn ...
Read More »Author Archives: Swidler
Feed SubscriptionElders Of Zion Split Over Chazan Who Sang Parts Usually Mumbled
A part of the service that seldom, if ever, features anything but quiet recitation and on a regular afternoon takes perhaps thirty seconds, not the four minutes this rendition required. Jerusalem, December 14 – A rift has developed in the ...
Read More »Anti-Gay Minister Mulls Letting Pride Parade Go On If At Least 3 Attendees Stabbed
“Three Shira Bankis a year is, we believe, a reasonable price to demand in exchange for the parade happening as planned.” Jerusalem, December 13 – A legislator from the far-right fringe of Israel’s politics who has made a staple of his ...
Read More »City Fines People With No Car Who *Would* Have Parked Illegally
Regular parking enforcement will continue as before. Jerusalem, December 12 – The municipal government of Israel’s capital has hit upon an innovative method to increase cash flow into its coffers: issue tickets to residents who do not own a motor ...
Read More »I Get To Reclaim My Ancestors’ Home Because They Sided With A Failed Genocide
by Issa Awad, Palestine Refugee Tulkarm, December 8 – The morality of the situation is clear: my forebears fled Haifa in anticipation of Arab liberators slaughtering the Jews of the city and making ample plunder available, but when that didn’t ...
Read More »Arab Countries: Criticism Of Our Antisemitism Is Islamophobic
“Respect our culture! Tolerant Westerners, my butthole.” Doha, December 8 – Fans and officials from around the region reacted to the surprise over their expressions of animus toward Jews at the World Cup by bashing Westerners for the “racist” characterization ...
Read More »After Druze Debacle, Palestinians To Stick To Kidnapping Americans
“We have to focus on targeting people whose governments and communities will act with predictable weakness they label ‘restraint’ or some other nonsense.” Nablus, December 7 – Unwanted tensions with a different Arab demographic following the abduction and murder of ...
Read More »Constant Target Of Genocides, Pogroms, Terrorism Told To Stop Overreacting
“You’re not oppressed. You’re privileged and white, so shut up. Also, you ran the slave trade.” New York, December 6 – A tiny ethnoreligious group that has fallen victim to extermination attempts, blood libel riots, assorted religious massacres, legal discrimination, forced ...
Read More »Synagogue Board Torn Between Security, More Diversity Officers
“Heretic!” yelled two of the diversity officers. “Fascist!” yelled another. Wilmington, December 5 – A clash of values among the the committee elected to oversee a progressive Jewish house of worship has challenged longstanding friendships and assumptions of shared priorities ...
Read More »Report: Poor Showing By Arab Party Because Spent Campaign Funds On Candy To Celebrate Dead Jews
“Giving out sweets doesn’t distinguish us from the myriad other factions doing it, doesn’t mark us as appealing to the right voter.” Nazareth, December 1 – Recriminations and harsh verbiage continued this week in the aftermath of a dramatic national ...
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