“I embraced the honor/shame dynamic. But by committing unspeakable atrocities in service thereof, I only compounded my shame.” Gehinnom, April 29 – A martyred holy warrior for Islam admitted today he had expected his punishment in the afterlife to feature physical ...
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“I don’t even have a soul and I feel drained after encountering them.” Tel Aviv, April 28 – The metaphorical monster threatening the conquest and subjugation of the otherwise free people of this society disclosed today that it has undergone ...
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The party had hoped to rely on Israel to provide a pretext for canceling the context and saving Fatah face. Ramallah, April 15 – Declarations by members of the party controlling the Palestinian Authority that unless their rivals or Israel ...
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“Get up to forty percent off on items or services that our records indicate you have purchased exactly zero times in the five years you have banked with us!” Jerusalem, April 26 – The financial institution through which you conduct most of ...
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“We focus on combating the pernicious influence of girls, chief among them our arch-nemesis Susie Derkins. Now THAT is an entity to boycott.” Chagrin Falls, OH, April 22 – A spokesman for the local chapter of the Get Rid Of ...
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by Mats Larsson, Chair, Nobel Committee For Physics Stockholm, April 22 Dear Sir: We appreciate your submission to the Committee the nomination of Professor Kerry for next year’s Nobel Prize for Physics. Unfortunately, we are forced to request more compelling evidence ...
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“Let me say it again: JEWS. PRAYING. You can just feel the existential threat.” Jerusalem, April 12 – Israeli law enforcement authorities confirmed today that their policies stem from the assumption that Jews engaging in quiet worship rituals near the ...
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Noooooo, my mom has to be the weirdo. Jerusalem, April 20 – A local seventh-grader has concluded that once again, he must brace himself for the awkward, humiliating experience of his mother’s dietary sensibilities juxtaposed with the mainstream junk food ...
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The dilemma facing Samuel carries extra valence in light of the political paralysis plaguing Israel. Ramah, April 19 – The seer most closely associated with the establishment of monarchy in Israel voiced his realization today that the current milieu might ...
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A demonstration of how serious they are about enriching themselves on the backs of their constituents. Ramallah, April 27 – President Mahmoud Abbas of the Palestinian Authority and several other high-ranking officials in his kleptocracy took a page out of ...
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