Awkwardness As Muslim MK Found To Have DNA Of Apes, Pigs

The expected course of action in Islamic society will involve suppression, denial, or accusations that the test was either wrong or manipulated.

Umm el-Fahm, April 30 – A vocal member of Israel’s Arab political scene lapsed into atypical silence this weekend upon discovering that his genetic makeup indicates ancestry that Muslim rhetoric often invokes to disparage Jews.

MK Dr. Ahmad Tibi, a veteran parliamentarian and a frequent critic of Israel’s policies and its status as nation-state of the Jews, faces awkward questions about his own heritage now that a common DNA test has shown he is descended of creatures that Islamic lore describes in disparagement as the forebears of the Jews. A spokesman for the legislator declined to provide further details, pointing reporters to a post on Dr. Tibi’s Facebook page that has since been removed.

“Dr. Ahmad Tibi promised to post the results of his DNA test,” wrote a staff member on the now-deleted post. “Here they are.” The accompanying chart showed his genetic composition as 65% Arab/Middle-Eastern, 15% African, 10% White/European, 4% simian, 4% porcine, and 2% “other.” The post was taken down when a comment noticed the third-to-last and second-to-last entries.

Tibi himself has not invoked the Jews-as-descended-from-apes-and-pigs trope in his political rhetoric, but the implications of the test results reach beyond his individual conduct. Analysts predict that Muslims will find it harder to call the Jews apes and pigs if the test results become widely known, and that in light of this new information, the expected course of action in Islamic society will involve suppression, denial, or accusations that the test was either wrong or manipulated.

“The zero-sum attitude of the culture in question makes it unlikely this will simply be accepted and assimilated,” judged commentator Wilbur Cornelius. “Nuance is foreign to political rhetoric, so we can anticipate exactly zero acceptance for this development. The most likely scenario, in my opinion, has loud protestations that the test results have been rigged so that Muslims no longer have use of one of their most popular memes, yet another instance of Zionist colonialist cultural genocide.”

Already, online discussion groups in the Muslim world have taken up the subject, with entire threads dedicated to characterizing the entire field of genetics as a Zionist plot. “Forget the test – it’s just as likely someone hacked Tibi’s Facebook account,” urged one contributor.

“These are the same ‘scientists’ who want us to believe the Earth orbits the sun and not vice versa,” another reminded.

“Yeah, I’d like to see them do one on Netanyahu,” challenged a third, referring to Israel’s prime minister. “It would probably show he’s 100% Palestinian because they swab the inside of the cheek and he still has Palestinian children’s flesh in his mouth from his last meal.”

Please support our work through Patreon.