Tehran’s subsidence exceeds the normal rate for a metropolis of its size by six hundred percent.
Tehran, April 23 – The Islamic Republic accused the Jewish State today of causing the gradual collapse of land underneath its capital city by demolishing the underground passages of Hamas, the militant Islamist group that governs much of the Gaza Strip, more than 1,600 kilometers away.
“Our sacred capital is slowly sinking into the ground,” read a statement by Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei this morning. “So-called experts attribute the phenomenon to overuse of the groundwater underneath Tehran and the consequent weakening of the rock strata beneath the city, but we are wise to the deceptions of the so-called experts: Zionists account for a disproportionate number of Nobel-Prizewinning scientists, and we cannot take anything those deceivers say at face value. We know the truth: Zionist terrorists destroying the subterranean refuges of the heroic Resistance in Gaza create a ripple effect that reaches the people of Tehran. The Zionists will suffer for this outrage.”
Abysmal water management and reduced rainfall over the last decade have raised alarm over the emerging ecological crisis facing Iran. Dams, overdrawn aquifers, insufficient investment in desalination, corrupt management, and prioritization of power-retention over the welfare of the citizenry have combined to create a perfect storm of incompetence, cynicism, nepotism, wasteful irrigation practices, and wishful thinking that, analysts predict, will throw Iran into total political, economic, and civil upheaval by 2035, barring profound governance changes.
The regime, however, keen to maintain its hold on power – and, more fundamentally, public perception of its hold on power – will not acknowledge the direness of the situation, despite water rationing already in place in the country’s major cities. Tehran’s subsidence – the sinking of the city lower and lower – exceeds the normal rate for a metropolis of its size by six hundred percent, now up to more than twenty centimeters per year. To forestall anyone entertaining the possibility that the avoidable tragedy lies at the feet of the mullahs, the regime, in keeping with its established practice, blames the misfortune on hostile outside actors.
Israel, battling Iran’s proxy Hamas, among others, has destroyed, since November of 2024, perhaps a quarter of the hundreds of miles of tunnels the terrorist organization dug in the Gaza Strip since Israel withdrew from the territory in 2005. The current war has weakened Hamas, and Iran’s network of proxies in the region has been hard-hit, both by Israel and the US. Tehran hopes to stoke enough international outrage at Israel to prevent further IDF operations against the regime and its proxies, in this case by inventing and exploiting humanitarian concern for Iran’s 89 million water-challenged people to Israeli demolition actions to defend itself from those proxies.
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