The right that only the leadership possesses: to put to death, by whatever means, any persons standing between it and expanding across the land like a plague.
Tehran, September 7 – Officials of the Islamic Republic lamented today the ongoing coronavirus crisis in the country that has already claimed more than twenty thousand lives, noting that the indiscriminate slaughter of innocents falls squarely within the regime’s bailiwick, and no pathogen may usurp that mantle.
Spokesmen for Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and President Hassan Rouhani appeared at a joint press conference Monday morning to decry the pandemic’s unauthorized killing of so many Iranians in defiance of the legally mandated government monopoly on the meting out of premature death.
“This arrogation of the government’s prerogative to take the lives of Iranians – and whoever else might stand between us and regional hegemony – must not continue,” stated Khamenei spokesman Awad Avflem. “The SARS-CoV-2 virus has committed the egregious offense of claiming for itself the right that only this nation’s wise, fearless leadership possesses: the right to put to death, by whatever means, any persons standing between it and expanding across the land like a plague.”
Presidential spokesman Helava Doushbagh warned against emulation of the virus. “Drastic measures, severe punishments, await anyone who attempts a similar usurpation of government authority,” he asserted. “Taking the law into one’s own hands must not occur; only officially sanctioned agents of the Supreme Leader may implement such measures. Those agents only include all those on the rosters of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps; the various Shiite militias operating throughout Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon; members of Palestinian Islamic Jihad and Hamas; and surface-to-air- missile battery operators who detect anything vaguely resembling an an aircraft, because it might be an American missile, and to hell with Russian airliners.”
Doushbagh added, by way of clarification, that even extrajudicial execution of suspected homosexuals remains prohibited. “Of course there are no gays in Iran, as former President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made clear in a speech at Columbia university years ago,” he explained. “But those that do appear, inevitably as a result of the malign influence of Zionist-imperialist agitators, require official treatment, not some slapdash, unregulated, uncontrollable mob rage. We can only have slapdash, unregulated, uncontrollable mob rage when someone’s embassy in Tehran needs a good trashing. I’m looking at you, Saudi Arabia. Don’t think we haven’t forgotten how to suddenly forget how to protect your diplomatic facilities we’re obligated to protect under the provisions of the international agreements we’ve signed. I speak hypothetically, of course. Everyone knows there are no homosexuals in Iran.”
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