Ban On Flights To Israel Renewed Until People Stop Clapping At Landing

Washington, DC, August 8 – The US is once again using its influence in air travel to modify the way Israelis behave, this time directly addressing the need travelers seem to have to applaud upon landing in Israel.

When the Federal Aviation Administration announced two weeks ago that US carriers would not fly to Ben Gurion Airport as a result of missile fire from the Gaza Strip, people on both sides of the Atlantic accused the Obama administration if using the ban as a vehicle to pressure Israel into prematurely accepting a Kerry-brokered cease-fire. Whether accurate or not, the charges spurred FAA chief Michael Huerta to reinstate the ban today until airlines can commit to stamping out the pointless, irritating behavior.

“You can debate the merits of a ban, ostensibly out of concern for safety, as a political or diplomatic tool,” said Huerta, whose official title is Administrator. “Not that I am saying the earlier ban was in fact such a move. Either way, though, I think the broad consensus across the industry, even in Israel, is that the appalling behavior of clapping upon landing in Tel Aviv, as if some Puccini opera has just concluded, must be wiped out.”

“I don’t know who these melodramatic folks are, but they make routine events unbearable for normal humans,” he continued. “Do these people also applaud when the traffic signal changes? Do they throw confetti when the mail gets delivered? Set off celebratory fireworks when their child is appointed hall monitor at school? This has to stop.” Huerta said the ban would remain in effect indefinitely, with a review every three weeks to determine whether the stupid habit has been eliminated from Tel Aviv-bound flights not originating in the US. If so, the FAA will again allow US carriers to fly there.

“This has been going on for far too long, frankly,” agrees Deputy Administrator Michael Whitaker. “This is essentially the only weapon in our arsenal, if you’ll forgive the metaphor, but this is a battle that must be waged and won, for the sake of collective sanity.”

Officials in Israel, though bitter about the implications for the Israeli economy, conceded the need the rid the aviation world of the scourge. “It’s past time to put the kibosh on this inanity,” said a grudging Minister of Transportation and Road Safety Yisrael Katz. “The danger from texting while driving can wait.”