Ban Unsure Whether Youths Kidnapped, Pope Catholic

New York, June 20 – One week after issuing an announcement calling for the return of three teenage Israeli abductees, United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon is still not officially sure the three were actually kidnapped, despite boasts to that effect by the terrorist organization that perpetrated it. He also expressed reservations about Pope Francis being a practicing Catholic, as the evidence of such an assertion remains murky.

Palestinian media have been broadcasting statements by Hamas leaders glorifying the kidnapping last Friday and claiming credit for it. Israel became convinced almost immediately that the youths were captured by Hamas militants, though it is still unclear where they are being held and under what conditions. The pope has spent decades as a priest, then bishop, then cardinal, and finally the head of the Roman Catholic Church. However, Mr. Ban continues to sound a cautious note, reserving judgment on whether the forced captivity of three teenagers by armed terrorists constitutes abduction, and whether a career as a Catholic priest, theologian, and church official is sufficient to characterize a person as an adherent of Catholicism.

“Obviously, we are not investigators on the ground. We don’t have any specific first-hand information to confirm what’s taken place,” said Mr. Ban’s deputy spokesman. He said the Secretary-General was hoping the youths would return home regardless of the circumstances, and that Catholics would be able to continue practicing their faith even without secure knowledge that the Pope shares that faith.

The incident marks at least the second time this year that Mr. Ban has refused to take for granted what others readily assume. In February, he declined to make a statement on whether a bear seen defecating in the forest was in fact eliminating waste, and claimed ignorance of the circumstances because the UN was not an investigative body.

At press time, Mr. Ban was endorsing a blanket statement condemning Israeli actions in search of the missing youths, calling them a clear demonstration of collective punishment.